Faith that can withstand questions

Hello loves,

I hope August has been kind to you.

A few weeks ago, I was getting acquainted with someone. We were both raised in Christian households and had similar cultural experiences. As we talked, we explored our faith journeys. We discussed experiences in “the church” and with our elders, particularly how our Nigerian culture relates to the version of Christianity we were introduced to.

For context, typical Nigerian culture was “children should not ask questions of adults.”

Disclaimer: This is a generalisation, and I’m speaking for the generations before me.

It was deemed rude and insubordinate to ask questions. It translated as questioning the elder’s authority and was a big no-no.

Unfortunately, this also translated into the church. When (young) people have questions about their faith, these questions need to be taken seriously and explained properly. Shutting down the question by saying “that’s just the way it is” or refusing to provide more clarification when requested for, is doing a disservice to our faith and the inquisitive peoole. It implies that blind faith is required, but Jesus did not model that for us. Jesus encouraged people to ask questions. He even answered questions that were not directed to him. Sometimes, he scolded his disciples because he expected them to have a certain level of understanding, but he still answered the question.

Sometimes, the disciples didn’t want to ask the question because they were embarrased e.g. in Mark 9:30-32. Other times, they asked the same questions more than once, as in Mark 9:33-35 and Luke 22:24-26.

How do we respond to people asking questions

Obviously,  there is a difference between someone who wants to argue for argument or for superiority sake, and someone who is curious. I think spending some them time with them might help decipher which case it is. For someone who wants an argument, respectfully decline to engage in a verbal tennis match and explain you feel they aren’t willing to listen but only to prove a point.

From Meredithannemiller. Kids + Faith

I know that parenting is hard. I know that it is difficult to pass on your faith to your child, and providing regular Christian activity is one way to provide thay scaffolding. If your children are asking questions about Christianity, that’s a good thing. It indicates interest and curiosity. These are the things that can help them find their own faith. Please learn more and find language to communicate about your faith with your  children in a way they will understand. Create an atmosphere where they can come to you with questions and don’t be afraid to let them know when you don’t have the answer. You can try to find it together.

Prayer

Lord, I thank you for my Christian heritage; parents, and grandparents who love you and showed me the way of Christ. I thank you for all those who have gone before me, who committed me to you and prayed for me consistently over the years. I pray for the adults who do not have the language to explain or share their faith with their younger ones or children. I pray for the children who feel dismissed or shut down when they’ve asked questions about their faith. I pray for healing on both sides of the divide. I pray for wisdom to ask questions in a way that bestows honour on those who have gone before us. I pray for wisdom for the elders to answer the questions that are posed to them. I pray for humility for the elders to be honest when they dont know and patience to communicate in a way the younger ones can understand. Lord, I pray that Christian homes will be places where children are able to experience you for themselves and build their relationship with you, in Jesus’s name, amen.

Thank you for reading today’s post. Please like, share, and comment.

PS – I wrote an article which I think pairs nicely with this. You can read it here.

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Gatekeeping

Hello my loves

Thank you for the engagement on my last post. It was lovely to receive messages from youngers and elders. One of my friends suggested interviewing elders to explore their thought processes, and I think I will do just that … one of these days 😊

A few days ago, I had a conversation with my dad, which warmed my heart ❤️  It was unexpected, and that made it so much more beautiful. We were talking about relationships, and he said he wants me to be happy. He wants me to feel happy within myself but also see with his eyes how happy I am in a relationship. Although on a level I know he wants me to be happy, hearing him say it made it more real; made me more certain.

Anyway, on to the main topic of today. Yesterday I was listening to the book of Jonah. This book has intrigued me for a while. For context, Jonah is a prophet who ministered around 785–760 BCE. God asked him to preach in Nineveh (Mosul, Iraq in modern times), but Jonah did not want to go because he knew God might forgive them. So he went elsewhere, and God caused a storm during which he was swallowed by a fish and eventually redirected to Nineveh. Jonah preached to the people, and they repented. In chapter 4, Jonah becomes livid that Nineveh gets a second chance.

So he prayed, “Lord, didn’t I say before I left home that this is just what you would do? That’s why I did my best to run away to Spain! I knew that you are a loving and merciful God, always patient, always kind, and always ready to change your mind and not punish.

Jonah 4:2 GNT

This made me think, how often are we like Jonah. On one hand, we enjoy the mercies of God, but on the other hand, we want to be the gatekeepers of His mercy. We want to decide who is worthy to receive the same mercy we’ve enjoyed countless times.

Jonah 4:3 GNT Now then, Lord, let me die. I am better off dead than alive.”

I thought Nigerian mums were dramatic, but hello 👋 let me introduce you to the King of Melodrama, *drumroll* Jonah. He really said, “Let me die.” Bruh, it’s not that deep, surely.

Jonah 4:4 GNT The Lord answered, “What right do you have to be angry?”

I love God 😆 He’s like “really Jonah? You’re one to talk. ” Really, what right do i have to decide who gets forgiven, loved, favoured? What right do I have? There is more than enough love for everyone to enjoy. God’s love for each of us is abundant, and we are not in competition for a finite amount of love. We can never fully know and experience the fullness of God’s love.  We just accept it every day and increase our capacity to receive it.

[17] and I pray that Christ will make his home in your hearts through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, [18] so that you, together with all God’s people, may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ’s love. [19] Yes, may you come to know his love—although it can never be fully known—and so be completely filled with the very nature of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 GNT

I love that Jonah had a relationship with God whereby he could express his anger, no matter how misdirected. Even though he initially wasn’t in a listening mood, he soon learnt that he’s not in charge (thank God!), and he’s not an adjudicator. God decides who is forgiven, and he also allows us to choose whether we want to receive his forgiveness.

Perhaps to illustrate this point, God provided comfort for Jonah while he was sulking over Ninevehs good fortune. But this comfort was soon stripped away, and he was very hot AND bothered.

[9] But God said to him, “What right do you have to be angry about the plant?” Jonah replied, “I have every right to be angry—angry enough to die!” [10] The Lord said to him, “This plant grew up in one night and disappeared the next; you didn’t do anything for it and you didn’t make it grow—yet you feel sorry for it! [11] How much more, then, should I have pity on Nineveh, that great city. After all, it has more than 120,000 innocent children in it, as well as many animals!”

Jonah 4:9-11 GNT

You know we not only (try to) gatekeep who should receive God’s love. We also do that in our relationships. I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s easy to hope someone overlooks or doesn’t make a fuss over something I’ve done wrong. However, when the shoe is on the other foot, it can be very difficult to extend that grace to others. While on the surface, things might appear okay because you’ve smoothed the cracks over, ask yourself how you feel inside? After the initial sting has passed, if your friend/sibling/whoever could read your mind, would you be okay with that? While that might be scary, I think it’s a call to pay attention to our internal world and take it to God. Articulate what you feel, try to write it down or record an audio, and unfiltered. Then you can start to sort through it, either yourself or with a trusted person and with God. Whatever you do, please don’t let it be. It’ll fester and cause your heart to harden, layer by layer, little by little. Remember that just because you’ve fallen out with someone, it doesn’t mean God has fallen out with them. He still loves them and you. You’re both precious to him.

Let us pray together.

Lord, thank you for being a God with whom we can be real. We can bring you our irritations and sense of entitlement, and you listen. Thank you for your dedication to making us more like you, showing us how to love like you. Lord, there are many times i have thought certain people were undeserving of your mercy. Forgive me for my hypocrisy and help me to see people how you see them. Forgive me for not doing to others how I want them to do to me. Help me to extend grace to others and help me to put appropriate boundaries in place where they’re required. Help me not to hide things that have hurt me. Help me to be brave enough to articulate them and  bring them to you. Thank you for walking this journey with me, Holy Spirit. I love you 😍 💗

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this. Please like, share and comment 🫂 🤗

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What kind of comforter are you?

Hello loves

I am very sorry that April’s blog is late. I planned to complete it but lost track of the days.

Please forgive me  🙏

I was reading a passage in 1 Timothy a few weeks ago and came upon this verse.

Drink water no longer exclusively, but use a little wine for the sake of your stomach and your frequent illnesses.

1 Timothy 5:23 AMPC

Some Christians would want to scrub out this verse from the Bible for different reasons, but that’s too bad. It’s here to stay my loves  😝 [The debate of whether Christians should drink alcohol or not is beyond the scope of this post. I personally think it’s an individual decision.]

What caught my attention was that Paul did not pray in this verse. He did not ask Timothy to pray. He gave practical advice about what Timothy could do to manage his ailment.

I don’t mean to say that Paul or Timothy never prayed about the ailment. All I can say from this passage is that Paul approached things from a different perspective.

This made me think of the approach of the church (used very broadly) to healing. Often, as Christians, we can shame other Christians who have an acute or chronic illness who are not healed (immediately). We can sometimes assume (consciously or unconsciously) that the reason they’re not healed is because they’ve done something wrong. For example, we might think they have not prayed hard enough or long enough or used the correct strategy. We might think they have some sins they have not repented of, and this ailment is God’s judgement. We might think they lack faith, and that is why they are not healed.

Job 6:14-15 NCV

Think of Job (I’m currently reading Job). His friends were miserable comforters. They did not offer an iota of comfort but rather seemed more concerned with proving how wrong and flawed Job’s thinking was. I’m sure Job would have preferred his friends to keep their thoughts to themselves.

[1-2] Listen to what I am saying; that is all the comfort I ask from you.
[4] My quarrel is not with mortals; I have good reason to be impatient.
[6] When I think of what has happened to me, I am stunned, and I tremble and shake.

Job 21:1-2, 4, 6 GNT

We also seem to have an unspoken ranking for ailments that warrant “prayer and faith.” For example, someone who uses reading glasses to augment their vision accepts this as “normal” but thinks someone with cancer or another ailment lacks faith if they aren’t healed. There is a cognitive dissonance between the fact that the God who can heal cancer can just as easily heal long- or short-sightedness. I’m not asking people to ditch their glasses, just illustrating a point 😉

Apostle Paul is renowed as one of the most prolific apostles. He healed people by the power of God and even raised the dead. Yet, this same man gave his friend (spiritual son) practical advice on managing his frequent illness. He did not shame him. He did not give a Christianese 5-point suggestion on how to solve the issue. He actually digressed from his main point to give this piece of advice to Timothy. It gives a glimpse of the care and concern Paul had for Timothy’s welfare.

To be very clear, I am not dismissing or diminishing the place of prayer in the work of healing and relief from illness (regardless of its severity). We serve a God who heals. Prayer and encouragement are part of how we can help people with health challenges, but there are other things we can do.

What I would like to see more of is:

  • Genuine compassion and empathy for those having difficulties with their health, mental or physical.
  • We can remember them in our prayers.
  • We can listen without giving solutions. Just listen. Don’t correct their theology or censor them. God can take it (read the psalms). Sometimes, people just need to vent.
  • We can be honest and say we can’t imagine what they’re going through.
  • If they seem open and perhaps ask, we can give suggestions that have perhaps worked for us.

So in summary, think of practical as well as spiritual ways to support people dealing witg health challenges. Ask God for guidance on which tools to use each time.

Dear Lord Jesus, we thank you because you are a healer. You love to heal, but sometimes the healing does not come when we want, and this can be very difficult to understand. We ask that as we wait for our brothers and sisters to be made whole and enjoy good health, helps us to be compassionate. Give us ideas of ways in which we can help practically. May we not add more burdens to their shoulders by making them feel guilty or ashamed. Compassion motivated a lot of the healing you did. Grant us wisdom to always act out of compassion in Jesus’ name, amen.

Click here for a good, balanced resource if you’d like to read more.

Pete Greig – God on Mute

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

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Part 3: What’s love got to do with it

Do we desire unconditional love? Of course, we do.
But there is only one love that can truly satisfy our deepest longings.
We expect people to love us perfectly;
But we struggle to love ourselves perfectly, how much more extend that love to others.
It’s not wrong to expect someone who professes to love you to love you well.
It is not enough for them to say “That’s how I am”.
The way you are can change.

We should be humble enough to receive the feedback and insight from others about our blind spots;
So we can grow and strengthen the weak areas.
We are ALL on this journey.
So we need to deal with each other gracefully.

It will take time and effort but if love is truly involved, the effort will be made.

While the effort is being made, be grateful.

Extend the grace you would wish to receive yourself.

Lasting change is not instantaneous.

Encourage and water the seeds.

Cover the multitude of sins

And see how that love blooms

Love is a doing word, a verb. So what do you do when something hasn’t gone well in a relationship? Let me remind you that I’m not an expert. I don’t have it figured out. I am trying to live this out, same as you and sharing my musings as I go along.

Speaking out in relationships/about life issues

When you’re not happy about something (in a relationship)
And you don’t speak out, the issue doesn’t disappear, it festers
It might not be at the surface but it is releasing poisonous gases into you
As you compress the volume of unresolved emotions, pressure increases within you (like in Boyle’s law).
The more you say I’m fine while dying inside,
The more you build that pressure.
A tiny spark changes the temperature and causes things to ramp up (like in Charles law, this increases the volume of those emotions ) [you didn’t know you were gonna get a chemistry lesson right? Haha 😝 ]
One day there will be an implosion or an explosion;
And people, maybe even including you, will be shocked.
They’ll say but (s)he was fine.
What happened?
Where did this come from?
It came from all the anger and hurt that was suppressed.

If there is no one you can talk to, there is always the One, your Father God who sees and knows ALL the angles of this situation,
Talk to him.
Cry, moan, scream, write, do whatever you need to do to vent;
But create an outlet for your pain that is not destructive to you or others.
The One will bring someone into your life, either directly, through books, sermons, what have you;
Someone who will walk with you through the hardship.
If there is a person involved in the pain, after talking to God about it, try to talk to the person as calmly as you can.
Write down what you want to say if you think it’ll be too hard to verbalise.
As much as it lies with you, try to make peace with this person.
Manage your expectations.
If the peace is not forthcoming, go back to the Prince of Peace.
Ask for the next steps.
Be obedient.

To tie it all together, over the last few months, I’ve talked about our very valid, deep desire to be loved unconditionally. We can only receive this type of love from God and we aspire to love others like he loves us.

We also have a need to feel psychologically safe in our relationships, with God, ourselves and others. Fear is a major barrier to safety but when we know that we have a kind God who believes the best about us and is unmovable, we can allow ourselves to relax into his love and experience the transformation he gives as we bring our real, unfiltered selves.

We are all on the journey of learning to love unconditionally. Journey signifies movement and action. There must be a desire to change coupled with actions taken to recognise where we are, receive feedback, have honest conversations and work with God, ourselves and our loved ones to live out that change.
Let us be gracious towards one another because change is hard and we will make mistakes along the way.

If you missed the first two posts in this series, I would recommend reading them to understand the context of this post.

I would love to know how you’ve found this short series and what your thoughts are on the things I’ve written about. I pray it has blessed you and made you pause to think about yourself and your love life.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for all you have revealed over these three months. We are grateful that you continually call us higher, to be more like you. Lord, in and of ourselves, we can’t do it and so we ask for your help. Forgive us for the times we have missed the mark and soften our hearts so we are truly repentant and contrite. Help us to be brave enough to look inward at the places where we are not doing well. Help us to be humble enough to listen when we are corrected and given feedback even when it hurts and we feel justified or misunderstood. Remind us that perfect love casts out fear and that you have no part in fear. You chose us knowing all our flaws and have promised that nothing can separate us from your love, so help us to stand firm in that knowledge. Let it sink into the deepest parts of our psyche and silence the lies of the enemy. Help us to be kind and gracious in the way we broach difficult conversations so that our relationships can deepen and flourish. Lord increase our capacity to receive the love you lavish on us and increase our capacity to give from the bounty we have received, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

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When will you marry

Hello my lovelies 💓

If you live in the UK, you’ll know we’ve just had a week of glorious, if at times unbeatable sunshine and heat. We are super happy that temperatures have cooled a little 😊

Today we’re talking about societal expectations and how they compare to what is important in life.

I recently listened to a (audio)book called “The Marriage Monitoring Aunties Association.” It was a lovely, light read, and I would recommend it 😊  If you’re Nigerian like me or perhaps have non-western heritage, you probably understand what the title connotes. I’ll explain.

There is a phenomenon whereby some (read many 👀) Nigerian aunties and uncles have expectations of “young” people around them. These are often stage specific. Anyone in primary, secondary, and undergraduate education is meant to be solely devoted to their education. On completion of education, the next stage is marriage, then children and more children. The longer it takes you to attain your stage-specific expectations, the more concern and sometimes derision is shown.

I don’t want to give too much away but the book was about an older Nigerian female who gets shamed for being unmarried and is expected to lower her standards to any man with a pulse inspite of her accomplishments.

This book reminded me of several conversations I’ve had with concerned uncles and aunties. Some of them are close to me, and they try not to pester me. They remind me they are praying and ask for updates. Others have attained the aunty/uncle title by respect and not by relationship. They are acquaintances at best and often can skip pleasantries to ask when they are “coming to eat rice.” I used to be annoyed by these comments but less so these days. Annoyance requires energy, and I’m protecting my energy fiercely. I tend to either laugh it off or ask them to keep praying for me.

I have a desire to be married, but I’m not desperate. I would rather take my time and make a good decision than be pressured into accepting the first person who comes knocking. I’m not alone in this. A lot of my female friends who are unmarried and even some male friends have the desire to marry. The older generation often don’t realise how insensitive their questions can be. (Perhaps some of them don’t care). These questions may come with good intentions, but they can make single people feel ashamed, as though there is something wrong with them. They make us feel we must be broken if “no one wants to marry you.”  They imply that we are deficient because we are unmarried. Sometimes, they go further and ask you to shrink yourself as a single woman so men are not intimidated by your success. Who wants a man who is intimidated by my success?! Certainly not me. If he’s intimidated now, then he won’t let me grow and excel in the future. I want someone who will fan the flame of success and be my biggest cheerleader.

A Nollywood star, Alexx Ekubo, recently passed away. He was 40 years old, and for some reason , I watched his service of songs on YouTube. I was shocked to see how much worship and God featured in the service. I was deeply moved by the tributes given during the service by family and friends. It made me reflective, and I wondered what people would say about me when I die. It reminded me of the fragility of life and the fact that we won’t take anything out of this life. We leave as we came, alone, with nothing.

I watched how Alexx’s friends featured heavily in the funeral and how much love there was on display as they supported one another. I thought about my relationships and the things that I’ve given my life to like my career. I want to enjoy life regardless of my relationship status, and I would love people to allow me and other single people to enjoy life.

So for any uncles and aunties who might be reading this, please stop asking questions and making comments about people’s relationship status. Stop pressuring people to get married and to lower their standards. Our current happiness and joy is important. We don’t have to wait to attain a position to be happy. We are not deficient. We are whole people. I understand you might have concerns. Please take them to God. Ask God for instructions on whether to speak and what to say to a person. Before you try to match-make people, please pray about it, at least. Your wonderful nephew, niece, “aburo” might not be who you think. So please temper your eagerness with care and tact.

Some people might feel defensive and unappreciated by this article. That is not my intention. These are sweeping statements that don’t apply to everyone, but if the shoe fits 🤷

Lord, I thank you for life and good health and people who care about us. I thank you for the institution of marriage and the many benefits it provides in good and bad times. Lord, I pray for wisdom for the older generation as they try to encourage single people that they will not add pressure and make us feel less important or accomplished because of our marital status. When they have ideas for match making, remind them to check with you first. Lord, I pray for us single people. Help us to receive the concerns and prayers with a good heart. Grant us wisdom to respond respectfully and implement boundaries when necessary.  We receive your help for both categories of people in Jesus’s name, amen

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic…

As an aunty/uncle, have you thought about our perspective?
As a “young person” who is single, how often do you get these comments? How do they make you feel? How do you respond?

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Bittersweet May

This month, we’ve “celebrated” Children’s Day (in Nigeria). May our children be able to live full lives as children, innocent and unmarked by the evil in this world.

This post is a bittersweet one, with two truths coexisting. The first part will be about my little niece, and the second part will touch on something very sad.

This month, I was thinking of how much I love my niece. Although I knew that I would love her even before she came on the scene, nothing prepared me for how my life would change after her arrival. Having her in my life has changed me. It has shown me a side of myself I never knew and unlocked a new type of love. It’s hard to describe the love I have for her, but it’s probably the purest form of love I have experienced so far. She does not have to do anything for me to love her. Her existence alone is enough, more than enough. She gives me so much joy, even when she does nothing “extraordinary.” Sometimes, I look at pictures and videos of her and smile to myself. I would bend over backwards for her.

If I feel this way about my niece, I wonder how I would feel about my child? How intense will that be? I genuinely can’t imagine what that would be like, but I know it’s going to be one of my greatest joys in life. Having a child is a LOT of work, and it never stops. Even when you’re not physically with them, your mind is never completely free of the awareness that you have a child somewhere (for most people).

I was thinking of how God loves us as his children. [I shared previously that he doesn’t have grandchildren] He loves us all deeply, dearly, far more than I love my baby girl. But there is deep, dark evil in this world. I would rather live this life with the love of God than try to survive without it.

This month’s post was meant to be sweetness and light, but I can’t bury my head in the sand when children are being kidnapped in my country.

On the 15th of May, a few minutes after 9 a.m., there was a coordinated attack on three schools in the Oyo state, a southwestern state in Nigeria. Two primary schools and one secondary school were attacked. 39 children and 7 teachers were kidnapped. The children’s ages range between 2 and 16 years. One family had four children abducted! FOUR!

On the same day, in Borno state, the northeastern part of Nigeria, there was another fresh hell unleashed on three schools. Two secondary schools and one primary school were attacked. 40 children are confirmed to have been kidnapped with an additional 11 likely missing. Must of these children are reportedly before age 7.

The level of depravity of the kidnappers is sickening.

It’s extremely sad and heartbreaking that mass kidnapping like this is not causing more chaos and uproar. Why have we become accustomed to hundreds of children being kidnapped from their schools? I pray these children are found and rescued ASAP.

I am equally saddened at the lack of support these children and their parents will receive on their release. There should be comprehensive rehabilitation programmes for kidnapped children with a multidisciplinary and biopsychosocial approach. These children and their families have been through untold horrors. You don’t just “get over” something like this.

The government and NGOs need to have a two-pronged approach to dealing with this. Taking decisive measures to improve security for schools and management strategies for children who have been rescued from abduction.

Lord, my heart bleeds. My heart bleeds for these little ones and their loved ones whose lives have become a living nightmare. I can’t imagine how they must feel. Lord, bring comfort to the loved ones. Bring justice for all these children and teachers and return them to their families. Let the abductors and their financier be caught and brought to book. Have mercy on us Lord abd bring our children back, in Jesus’ name, amen.

If you want to read more:

Inside first mass school abduction that emptied Oyo communities https://share.google/KPXwww46LBdHGtNq4


EXCLUSIVE: List of kidnapped children emerges, as parents detail horror of Borno attack https://share.google/9shHqq3hv2wxVz2P5

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Fear is not my future

Hello lovely people 💕

March is marching right on! This year is going by so quickly!!!

That said, let’s get stuck into today’s post.

It’s human nature to share about things we’ve overcome. We tend to share more readily about our wins than when we’re in the thick of things. However, life is not all smooth sailing. Our social media generation and (often)Christian culture  also make it  harder to talk about the in-between periods that are not glamorous. Well, that’s what this month’s post is about.

I’ll be sharing about a recent experience which was very difficult for me. To provide context, I’m not a fan of heights AT ALL. That’s been an ongoing issue, but it generally doesn’t interfere with my day to day. However, this fear of heights impacts my driving, so I don’t like flyover bridges, steep roads, etc. Over time, I have become better at tolerating these conditions if I have to do them repeatedly (habituation).

In more recent times, I’ve been increasingly apprehensive of driving on certain roads with an incline and sometimes avoid it altogether. All of this was building over a weekend, culminating in a panic attack while driving on the motorway (high way). This was the third time this has happened in the last 3 – 4 years. The previous times were on unfamiliar roads. This time, it was on a  road I’ve driven countless times.

I felt very tearful.

Overwhelmed, I parked on the hard shoulder (the roadside). My heart was racing, my hands were trembling, my lips tingling after a while. My thoughts were going a million miles an hour. I had music playing to help centre myself, but that wasn’t working. I reminded myself that God is with me and will never leave me. I reminded myself I’ve driven down this road many times, so I KNOW I can do it. None of these really helped, to be honest. None of it was sinking in. It was gliding over me. I rang my sister because she’s helped me the last two times. She didn’t pick on the first ring.

Although I was tearful, I knew if I gave in to tears, hysterics would start, and regaining composure would be much harder. I tried to drive off but was extremely scared. Moving even a few miles-per-hour felt like I was going too fast, not in control.

I tried a few times and gave up. I knew I’d have to get out of there somehow, but it seemed so daunting. Thankfully, my sister rang me back. I asked her to pray with me. She encouraged me, and I tried again. Start. Stop. But eventually, I got off that stretch and made it home.

The whole experience had me shaken and shaking, but I had things to do, so I couldn’t dwell on it. A few tears escaped, but I didn’t let myself feel everything. My brother helped me get around the rest of the day. I did eventually have a little cry and talked about it with my brother and more recently with my best friend.

Thinking back to times when I was impatient while driving because someone was driving slow, this experience was humbling. It was humbling to be the one who needed grace from others, the one driving at a snail pace.

Today’s post isn’t really about dishing up words of wisdom. However, I’ll say a couple of things I’ve learnt. I am naturally empathetic, but this experience has made me more empathetic towards people who regularly have panic symptoms, anxiety, and similar difficulties. I also hope that I will remember to be more patient with “slow” drivers, remembering I’ve been one.

[2] They talk about me and say, “God will not help him.” [3] But you, O Lord, are always my shield from danger; you give me victory and restore my courage. [4] I call to the Lord for help, and from his sacred hill he answers me. [5] I lie down and sleep, and all night long the Lord protects me. [6] I am not afraid of the thousands of enemies who surround me on every side.

Psalm 3:2-6 GNT

Recently, Psalm 3:3 was the verse of the day on YouVersion, and I ended up reading the whole chapter. Some of the lies we hear and internalise are that we would not receive help, we would remain stuck, no one is coming to save you, etc. But the Lord is always my shield from danger. He wraps himself around me. Even when my mind can’t comprehend that and it feels out of reach, it remains true. He will give me victory, and I can rest assured because of this.

I don’t know what your struggle is. I won’t pretend to understand the nuances of your difficulties or pretend it is easy to be in the thick of things. It is hard, but God is with you. He doesn’t leave you to fend for yourself when things are hard. Whether his voice is booming or feels silent, he will not leave us.
The Bible does not shy away from how real and overwheming fear and anxiety can feel. It redirects us to God who can and will give us victory over it.

You are not alone.

You are not the only one struggling; you’ve got company.

You will make it through. We will. Don’t give up ❤️

Lord, you command us time and time again not to be afraid. Sometimes, life and circumstances are very scary and intimidating. It feels like walls are closing in. We’ll be stuck forever with no way out, and yet that is not the truth. In those moments when we’re overwhelmed, remind us of your truth, ringing in our ears louder than the fear. Bring to our minds eye the magnitude of the God we call Father and let the fears pale in comparison. Send us help from Zion and maybe from around the corner or over the phone, but let the help locate us promptly. Restore peace to our souls. Still us in the middle of our floundering and remind us that you are with us always. Help us to be compassionate even when we don’t understand the struggles of others. Help us to be present, not with platitudes and a script of flawless Christianese but with empathy and kindness. Thank you because you are bigger than fear. Fear will not have the last laugh because you have already won the victory; In Jesus’s name, amen.

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

Posted on by Sinmi 0

Care vs Control

Hello, my lovelies 💓

I hope your February has been a lovely month. I am sorry my post is a day late 😪 Please forgive me.

It’s a fairly long post that but I hope it resonates and helps you reflect 😊

To love and be loved is one of the greatest joys and triumphs in life. This pursuit of love has unfortunately led to many tragic situations where people have been deeply hurt and in some cases, damaged.

I was thinking recently about control and how at times control can wear the mask of care and concern. There can appear to be similarities but the underlying motivators are different.

When you care for someone, naturally you don’t want them to come to harm. You might want to protect them from harmful situations. This might come in the form of checking they are safe, giving advice about things, etc.

Control often comes from a place of fear. For example, you may have someone good whom you don’t want to “lose” and so you place a metaphorical net around them.

The outcome of being treated with care or control is apparent in the fruit they produce. I’ll use an analogy here. If I have a precious, delicate glass ornament, I could hold it very gently, place it in a cushioned holder in my attempt to care for it. On the other hand, I might hold it tight and not want to let it out of my sight because I fear losing it. So I hold it tighter and tighter until it crumbles in my hands. That’s what control does. Care causes the recipient to thrive and encourages their authentic self to be revealed. Control restricts the worldview of the recipient and they become a shadow of themselves.

When you care for someone, you can give advice but trust them to make their own decisions. If the decisions have unfavourable outcomes, you’re there to help them pick the pieces and help them through the process.

When you control someone, you take away their autonomy and form a dictatorship where they feel imprisoned.

This Care vs Control dynamic applies in all relationships such as friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, etc. It is not gender specific.

God who is the most powerful gives us the choice to love him or leave him so his desire isn’t for you to be controlled.

Some signs of control in a relationship

  • Silent treatment – unexplained silence or minimal communication as punishment
  • Excessive, unsolicited “suggestions” about physical appearance or other things
  • Constant monitoring of whereabouts and who you’re with
  • Having to walk on egg-shells and inability to freely express oneself
  • Second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re “too sensitive”

If you’re worried that you’re being controlled in a relationship, you need some support.

  • The first thing is identifying control.
  • Create some space between yourself and the person controlling you.
  • Rediscover what is important to you and what YOU want.
  • Draw up boundaries to keep you safe and share this with the person involved.
  • Put structures in place to help you enforce these boundaries, e.g., not answering messages or emails after a certain time or if they have certain content.
  • I’d recommend keeping a journal of some sort. This could be audio or written describing your experiences and reflecting on them.
  • It’s also very important to speak to someone independent who is a safe space. This could be a counsellor, a trusted friend, etc. Please if this person minimises your concerns and explains them away, they’re not the one. Find someone else to speak to. Don’t let your voice be silenced and your story stolen.
  • Please speak to God about this. He cares deeply.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. Lord open my eyes to see where I have allowed my boundaries to be eroded. Lord help me not to be bitter but allow these revelations to motivate me to clarify my boundaries. Help me enforce these boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

If you’re worried that you’re controlling someone else, well done for recognising it.

  • Take time to think through different interactions and what you were feeling at the time.
  • Apologise to the person you’re controlling.
  • Speak to them about things you’ve done that they found uncomfortable and ask what their boundaries are.
  • Have a journal to document what’s going on internally when you feel tempted to control someone else. Is there something you’re afraid of? Is there something within you that needs healing?
  • I would recommend speaking to someone who is mature, loves you and will speak the truth to you. This could be a counsellor or trusted friend.
  • Please speak to God. Apologise to him also for controlling his beloved child. Seek his insight on what’s led you to this place. Seek his guidance on how to move forward. Receive his healing.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. I give you every fear I have of losing those who are precious to me.  I give you the fear of being irrelevant or forgotten. Lord open my eyes to the mistakes I have made in overstepping my boundaries. Help me to have the difficult conversations needed and to respect others’ boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

You can read more on controlling behaviour here:

https://www.themodestman.com/18-indicators-of-coercive-control-disguised-as-care/

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

Posted on by Sinmi 0

Happy New Year

Hello, my lovelies 💓

Happy New Year!!!

A new year can feel like just a different day, no big deal, kind of like becoming a year older. In a sense it is. It can feel like “nothing has changed” and “what’s all the fuss about” but I think it’s a fresh opportunity to be grateful, to reflect and to look forward.

If you’re very honest and fairly reflective, you’ll know that there were things you wanted to do last year that just never happened. This is a good time to think back on those things,  see whether they’re still important and whether they’re a priority for you this year.

For me, last year I wanted to be more consistent in uploading posts here and by the grace of God, I did it. So I’m grateful. Although I did it, it wasn’t as graceful and organised as I would have liked. Sometimes I made it by the skin of my teeth. This year I want to be more organised. I don’t want to settle for the bare minimum. I want to up my game. For example, I want to ideally post a few fictional pieces, so you guys can hold me accountable. The year is 12 months long oh. LOL.

For some of us, it’s easy to think of good things that have happened. For others,  it’s a lot harder to think of good things. It might be that you’ve started your year on a downer and it’s a huge effort to keep going every day. I know how that feels. While our specific situations might differ, the sentiment is likely similar. Please believe me when I say it does get better. Don’t let the little flicker of hope die. Protect it with everything. Draw on the strength of the people you have around you. I pray you don’t have to go on the journey alone. I pray you have a shoulder to lean on, someone you can be vulnerable with. Let someone see that you’re hurting, confused, angry  whatever it is. Journaling can also be helpful. Pour out what’s in your heart and mind. Better out than in.

One month has already gone by. You’ve made it through one month! Well done you 👏🏽 As I told someone today it can be hard to hope for the big things. Start with the small simple things, e.g, I hope I can laugh at something funny tomorrow, I hope I can have a few minutes of respite from worrying.

For those of us who have not hit the ground running, it’s not too late to start.

Be realistic with your goals.

Rome was not built in a day.

Remember that progress is not linear.

You have absolutely got this! Just like I have 😉

I want to give us a challenge this year. Every night before you sleep (or whenever fits your schedule), say at least one thing that you’re grateful for out loud. Try to vary the things you express gratitude for. This is not to say you can’t say the same thing twice this year lol or even in one week. My emphasis is on thinking about it instead of mindlessly repeating the same thing.

Sweet Lord Jesus, thank you for this new year. Thank you for bringing me to the end of the first month of this year. There have been highs and lows but you’ve seen me through it all. It’s so beautiful that you see all of us, in our individual circumstances and you’re able to meet us where we are. The years change but you never do. You’re our constant in a world of change. Lord as we continue this year, help us to lean on You and those you’ve placed around us. Help us to remember that difficult times don’t last forever. Help us remember to celebrate even the small wins. I pray that you help us to be more disciplined with our goals and balance that with extending grace to ourselves and others. Let’s have a blast this year! In Jesus name, amen

Posted on by Sinmi 4

Goodbye, Welcome

Hello my lovelies

Happy New Year in advance!

Today’s post is probably my shortest one ever!

As the year has drawn to an end, conversations and time spent with loved ones has been very important. As I reflect on people I’ve seen and spoken with, I am filled with a renewed sense of gratitude for the amazing people God has blessed me with.

For me, this year is ending on a high, very different from how last year ended. I am very grateful for that. I was saying to my best friend just a few days ago that this year had been full of positive surprises. These blessings have caused me to dig deep and stretch myself and the benefits have been rewarding.

There are three things I want to leave with you

1) Reflect on your 2025 – name one thing you’ve learned, one thing that surprised you and one thing you’re looking forward to next year

2) Count your blessings (name them one by one) – try to do 12; don’t neglect the seemingly small things we take for granted

3) Review your disappointments. Are there things you can learn from them? Would you do anything differently as a result of the experience(s)? Can you see God’s presence/hand in the midst of the disappointment?

Lord, here we are at the end of 2025! What a year it has been. For some of us it had been our toughest year with no opportunity to catch a break and yet for others it has been blissful. For many, it had likely been a mixture of both experiences. In the midst of it all, we give you thanks for your constant presence through the highs and the lows. Lord, I pray that the bad does not eclipse the good in our memories. Lord, we look forward to a new year, knowing you are already there ahead of us. We commit 2026 into your hands. May this new year bring more Illumination to our spirits. May we experience deeper peace, joy and contentment. May we fulfil your plan for 2026 as we walk in step with you. For the tough times that this year brings help us to keep our eyes on you and never let go of your hand. For the great times, help us to be grateful and remember we didn’t do it in our own strength. In Jesus’ precious name we pray, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Judgy much…

Hello my loves

I’m sorry I did not post yesterday. I should have planned better. That being said, let’s get right into today’s post.

A while ago I watched a movie which made me think about how sometimes as the church (the people in the church), we are lacking in compassion. In this film, a pastor’s wife was very critical of others, very controlling, authoritarian and was the moral judge of all. Her tongue was scathing and life was very far from it. With every word she spoke, she was cutting people down. She condemned a teenage girl in church who was pregnant out of wedlock and essentially isolated this girl and her mother. I think this girl later died shortly after childbirth although if she’d received help from the pastor’s wife for appropriate medical care, she might have survived. Little did Mrs Pastor know that her teenage daughter was also pregnant and seeing how her mother handled her friend’s pregnancy, opted for an abortion. I don’t remember what happened to the pastor’s daughter.

Seeing this play out was sad for many reasons. One reason was that the girls in this plot were not treated with grace or compassion. The fact that the pastor’s wife was the perpetrator of this wickedness made it worse. You’d hope that she would be a go-between if she observed that in her church. More importantly, the knowledge that this film reflects what happens in real life.

The fact that the consequences of someone’s sin are publicly expressed does not make the sin worse than someone else who seemingly gets away with it. For example, Premarital sex is wrong, period. A resulting pregnancy is not a reflection of the “grade” of the sin. Stealing is a sin, period. Whether you’re caught or not is not a reflection on how bad the sin is. All sin is inherently bad. I don’t believe God has a ranking scale for sin. All sin has the same spiritual consequence – separation from God. The physical consequences can differ based on what’s done. Someone who steals food worth £5 and someone who steals millions are both wrong but the (physical) legal consequences will be different. I think as humans, one mistake we make is that we use the physical consequences of a sin to rank how bad it is.

Yesterday in church we discussed Jesus’s interaction with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:7-30,39). Although Jesus spoke the truth to her he did this gently and without condemnation so much so that she left the interaction, not to hide in shame, but with a desire to bring people to Jesus. It is not documented that Jesus tutted at this woman and demanded she fall to her feet weeping in repentance before he offered her living waters and unfettered access to God.

The church, this mammoth structure with many expressions, is in reality made up of imperfect people like you and me. Many times we get it wrong as we work out our salvation. Oftentimes we might need correcting or someone to help us examine our behaviour. (Read Luke 17:3-4)

I think there are a few things I’d like us to consider.

  • As the church, we are not called to judge non-Christians by God’s standards. Their (im)morality is not based on a relationship with Jesus so we should not be surprised if their actions go against what we believe to be right.
1 Corinthians 5:9-13
1 Thessalonians 5:14
  • As the church, we are called to correct gently in love.
Galatians 6:1-5
Matthew 7:1-5
  • As the church we are called to be careful when we think we’re standing firm and ensure we’re not on the edge of a downward spiral. Don’t be so sure you can not make the same mistake you’re judging someone else for. (Read 1 Corinthians 10:12)
  • As the church, we’re called to be many things. We are NOT called to be judgmental, full of condemnation, threatening and guilt-tripping (verbally and otherwise) people into submission. We do not motivate (read control) people with fear. That is not what God stands for.  The Holy Spirit who is our guide convicts. He does not condemn. So let’s take our lead from him in our interaction and even thoughts about things we see.
Romans 14:10, 12-13

Lord, I thank you for this topic of how we respond to others when we think they’re out of line. I know I’ve been guilty of judging people in my mind even if not outwardly. That’s not better than someone who judges outwardly. Lord forgive me for these times and help me to be more aware of when I’m doing this. Lord help me to remember that I’m not perfect and I’m not “better” than anyone. We just make different types of mistakes but your grace and mercy cover us all. Lord help me to be compassionate towards others and instead of judging, let my first instinct be to lift them in prayer. In instances where you might be encouraging me to speak with a person, grant me a heart of compassion such that I deliver the truth your way. Just as I might correct people, help me to also be open to receiving correction from others as required. Lord help us to be accountable to one another without taking offence. As we start to wind up the year, if there are people in need to apologise to, where I’ve been harsh, Lord reveal to me. Grant me the courage and humility to apologise and make amends in Jesus’s name, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi 5