Guys I’m here again with my head in my hands looking down in embarrassment. I’ve been AWOL again. Maybe I should change my blog name to AWOL Blogger. Anyway I’m not going to make promises I might not be able to keep so let’s get right in.

Growing up I had ideas about the kind of parent I’ll be, kind, easy-going etc. As time has gone on, those ideas have changed and been refined. I’ve realised that perhaps agreeing to everything your child wants is not the most important aspect of being a parent.
In more recent years, I’ve taken the stance that while I’ll be strict, I’ll be fair to my kids. I won’t shout, smack or be overly restrictive.

Then life happened 🤣🤣 My young cousins (one teen and one preteen) spent some time with us (my siblings) in our house and I had a small, very small taste of parenting. I slipped into some roles and behaviours that surprised me. Oh I shouted, got upset, etc. I didn’t smack though, that I can remember sha. But I thought to myself, “this is so hard”. These young people can literally get on your nerves even though you love them so much.

I had to think fast. My initial knee jerk reaction was not how I wanted to go on. I wanted to be more like the parent I’d envisioned being. Something had to change. I am something. Something is me 😯😲

A period of introspection was in order for me. I realised I had a lot to learn. Even though the context was different, I found myself making comparisons with my own upbringing. The differences were stark. The cultural context was almost entirely different. When I was growing up in Nigeria there was an inherent respect and fear built into us such that there were things we wouldn’t dream of doing as children. Like talking back or walking out when your parent or adult was speaking. Or even not responding when being spoken to. The balls I definitely didn’t have but even the liver was not up to the task.

Did I get frustrated with my parents and adults in general, of course. But I found ways to channel or resolve my frustrations without being rude. My parents were not shouty or prone to smacking to be honest. My mum was quite soft and expressed her displeasure in gentle ways. I respected my mum but was never scared she would hurt me. My dad would scold but also would not insult me or hurt me physically or verbally. If you ask me, I think I was a pretty good child but I know I must have been annoying and misbehaved sometimes and I think I have to applaud my parents for how they handled those (rare haha) occasions. I’m making these points because I know some of my friends and classmates did not have the same experience I had.

Bringing it back to me, having thought back to my experience of being parented and my ideas on how to be a good parent, I crystallised some ground rules and behaviours for myself going forward.
I decided that, as much as I could, I was not going shout. I would express why I wasn’t pleased and what made me upset and I’d give them a chance to fix things. If I felt myself getting riled up, I’ll leave the situation and come back later when I’ve simmered down.
I would apologise when I’ve overreacted or conducted myself in a manner which goes against my ethos.
Being gracious and knowing kids would do things wrong sometimes, I would try not to rehash their past sins and temper my current upset with a reminder of the fact that I also make mistakes.
When I feel I’m not being listened to, I give a few chances to remind them what they need to be doing and what the end goal is. If that yields no result, I would leave them to their devices with a reminder that actions have consequences, not in a threatening way but in a “this-is-how-the-world-works” way.

I’ve also bought some audio books on parenting and parenting teenagers specifically.
I have a lot to learn still and I’ll never know everything there is to know about parenting. While the world is constantly evolving, throwing out new challenges for parents, there are some things that will never change; perhaps new names and expressions of existing challenges.
It takes a village to raise a child.
It takes an intentional person who is willing to learn and forgive themselves where they make mistakes.
It takes the grace of God.

Big applause to all parents out there and to everyone who is parenting someone no matter how small you think your contribution is. You’ve got this! It’ll all be worth it in the end (hopefully).