Tag: #control

Fear is not my future

Hello lovely people 💕

March is marching right on! This year is going by so quickly!!!

That said, let’s get stuck into today’s post.

It’s human nature to share about things we’ve overcome. We tend to share more readily about our wins than when we’re in the thick of things. However, life is not all smooth sailing. Our social media generation and (often)Christian culture  also make it  harder to talk about the in-between periods that are not glamorous. Well, that’s what this month’s post is about.

I’ll be sharing about a recent experience which was very difficult for me. To provide context, I’m not a fan of heights AT ALL. That’s been an ongoing issue, but it generally doesn’t interfere with my day to day. However, this fear of heights impacts my driving, so I don’t like flyover bridges, steep roads, etc. Over time, I have become better at tolerating these conditions if I have to do them repeatedly (habituation).

In more recent times, I’ve been increasingly apprehensive of driving on certain roads with an incline and sometimes avoid it altogether. All of this was building over a weekend, culminating in a panic attack while driving on the motorway (high way). This was the third time this has happened in the last 3 – 4 years. The previous times were on unfamiliar roads. This time, it was on a  road I’ve driven countless times.

I felt very tearful.

Overwhelmed, I parked on the hard shoulder (the roadside). My heart was racing, my hands were trembling, my lips tingling after a while. My thoughts were going a million miles an hour. I had music playing to help centre myself, but that wasn’t working. I reminded myself that God is with me and will never leave me. I reminded myself I’ve driven down this road many times, so I KNOW I can do it. None of these really helped, to be honest. None of it was sinking in. It was gliding over me. I rang my sister because she’s helped me the last two times. She didn’t pick on the first ring.

Although I was tearful, I knew if I gave in to tears, hysterics would start, and regaining composure would be much harder. I tried to drive off but was extremely scared. Moving even a few miles-per-hour felt like I was going too fast, not in control.

I tried a few times and gave up. I knew I’d have to get out of there somehow, but it seemed so daunting. Thankfully, my sister rang me back. I asked her to pray with me. She encouraged me, and I tried again. Start. Stop. But eventually, I got off that stretch and made it home.

The whole experience had me shaken and shaking, but I had things to do, so I couldn’t dwell on it. A few tears escaped, but I didn’t let myself feel everything. My brother helped me get around the rest of the day. I did eventually have a little cry and talked about it with my brother and more recently with my best friend.

Thinking back to times when I was impatient while driving because someone was driving slow, this experience was humbling. It was humbling to be the one who needed grace from others, the one driving at a snail pace.

Today’s post isn’t really about dishing up words of wisdom. However, I’ll say a couple of things I’ve learnt. I am naturally empathetic, but this experience has made me more empathetic towards people who regularly have panic symptoms, anxiety, and similar difficulties. I also hope that I will remember to be more patient with “slow” drivers, remembering I’ve been one.

[2] They talk about me and say, “God will not help him.” [3] But you, O Lord, are always my shield from danger; you give me victory and restore my courage. [4] I call to the Lord for help, and from his sacred hill he answers me. [5] I lie down and sleep, and all night long the Lord protects me. [6] I am not afraid of the thousands of enemies who surround me on every side.

Psalm 3:2-6 GNT

Recently, Psalm 3:3 was the verse of the day on YouVersion, and I ended up reading the whole chapter. Some of the lies we hear and internalise are that we would not receive help, we would remain stuck, no one is coming to save you, etc. But the Lord is always my shield from danger. He wraps himself around me. Even when my mind can’t comprehend that and it feels out of reach, it remains true. He will give me victory, and I can rest assured because of this.

I don’t know what your struggle is. I won’t pretend to understand the nuances of your difficulties or pretend it is easy to be in the thick of things. It is hard, but God is with you. He doesn’t leave you to fend for yourself when things are hard. Whether his voice is booming or feels silent, he will not leave us.
The Bible does not shy away from how real and overwheming fear and anxiety can feel. It redirects us to God who can and will give us victory over it.

You are not alone.

You are not the only one struggling; you’ve got company.

You will make it through. We will. Don’t give up ❤️

Lord, you command us time and time again not to be afraid. Sometimes, life and circumstances are very scary and intimidating. It feels like walls are closing in. We’ll be stuck forever with no way out, and yet that is not the truth. In those moments when we’re overwhelmed, remind us of your truth, ringing in our ears louder than the fear. Bring to our minds eye the magnitude of the God we call Father and let the fears pale in comparison. Send us help from Zion and maybe from around the corner or over the phone, but let the help locate us promptly. Restore peace to our souls. Still us in the middle of our floundering and remind us that you are with us always. Help us to be compassionate even when we don’t understand the struggles of others. Help us to be present, not with platitudes and a script of flawless Christianese but with empathy and kindness. Thank you because you are bigger than fear. Fear will not have the last laugh because you have already won the victory; In Jesus’s name, amen.

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

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Care vs Control

Hello, my lovelies 💓

I hope your February has been a lovely month. I am sorry my post is a day late 😪 Please forgive me.

It’s a fairly long post that but I hope it resonates and helps you reflect 😊

To love and be loved is one of the greatest joys and triumphs in life. This pursuit of love has unfortunately led to many tragic situations where people have been deeply hurt and in some cases, damaged.

I was thinking recently about control and how at times control can wear the mask of care and concern. There can appear to be similarities but the underlying motivators are different.

When you care for someone, naturally you don’t want them to come to harm. You might want to protect them from harmful situations. This might come in the form of checking they are safe, giving advice about things, etc.

Control often comes from a place of fear. For example, you may have someone good whom you don’t want to “lose” and so you place a metaphorical net around them.

The outcome of being treated with care or control is apparent in the fruit they produce. I’ll use an analogy here. If I have a precious, delicate glass ornament, I could hold it very gently, place it in a cushioned holder in my attempt to care for it. On the other hand, I might hold it tight and not want to let it out of my sight because I fear losing it. So I hold it tighter and tighter until it crumbles in my hands. That’s what control does. Care causes the recipient to thrive and encourages their authentic self to be revealed. Control restricts the worldview of the recipient and they become a shadow of themselves.

When you care for someone, you can give advice but trust them to make their own decisions. If the decisions have unfavourable outcomes, you’re there to help them pick the pieces and help them through the process.

When you control someone, you take away their autonomy and form a dictatorship where they feel imprisoned.

This Care vs Control dynamic applies in all relationships such as friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, etc. It is not gender specific.

God who is the most powerful gives us the choice to love him or leave him so his desire isn’t for you to be controlled.

Some signs of control in a relationship

  • Silent treatment – unexplained silence or minimal communication as punishment
  • Excessive, unsolicited “suggestions” about physical appearance or other things
  • Constant monitoring of whereabouts and who you’re with
  • Having to walk on egg-shells and inability to freely express oneself
  • Second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re “too sensitive”

If you’re worried that you’re being controlled in a relationship, you need some support.

  • The first thing is identifying control.
  • Create some space between yourself and the person controlling you.
  • Rediscover what is important to you and what YOU want.
  • Draw up boundaries to keep you safe and share this with the person involved.
  • Put structures in place to help you enforce these boundaries, e.g., not answering messages or emails after a certain time or if they have certain content.
  • I’d recommend keeping a journal of some sort. This could be audio or written describing your experiences and reflecting on them.
  • It’s also very important to speak to someone independent who is a safe space. This could be a counsellor, a trusted friend, etc. Please if this person minimises your concerns and explains them away, they’re not the one. Find someone else to speak to. Don’t let your voice be silenced and your story stolen.
  • Please speak to God about this. He cares deeply.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. Lord open my eyes to see where I have allowed my boundaries to be eroded. Lord help me not to be bitter but allow these revelations to motivate me to clarify my boundaries. Help me enforce these boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

If you’re worried that you’re controlling someone else, well done for recognising it.

  • Take time to think through different interactions and what you were feeling at the time.
  • Apologise to the person you’re controlling.
  • Speak to them about things you’ve done that they found uncomfortable and ask what their boundaries are.
  • Have a journal to document what’s going on internally when you feel tempted to control someone else. Is there something you’re afraid of? Is there something within you that needs healing?
  • I would recommend speaking to someone who is mature, loves you and will speak the truth to you. This could be a counsellor or trusted friend.
  • Please speak to God. Apologise to him also for controlling his beloved child. Seek his insight on what’s led you to this place. Seek his guidance on how to move forward. Receive his healing.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. I give you every fear I have of losing those who are precious to me.  I give you the fear of being irrelevant or forgotten. Lord open my eyes to the mistakes I have made in overstepping my boundaries. Help me to have the difficult conversations needed and to respect others’ boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

You can read more on controlling behaviour here:

https://www.themodestman.com/18-indicators-of-coercive-control-disguised-as-care/

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

Posted on by Sinmi 0