Hello my lovelies 💓

If you live in the UK, you’ll know we’ve just had a week of glorious, if at times unbeatable sunshine and heat. We are super happy that temperatures have cooled a little 😊

Today we’re talking about societal expectations and how they compare to what is important in life.

I recently listened to a (audio)book called “The Marriage Monitoring Aunties Association.” It was a lovely, light read, and I would recommend it 😊  If you’re Nigerian like me or perhaps have non-western heritage, you probably understand what the title connotes. I’ll explain.

There is a phenomenon whereby some (read many 👀) Nigerian aunties and uncles have expectations of “young” people around them. These are often stage specific. Anyone in primary, secondary, and undergraduate education is meant to be solely devoted to their education. On completion of education, the next stage is marriage, then children and more children. The longer it takes you to attain your stage-specific expectations, the more concern and sometimes derision is shown.

I don’t want to give too much away but the book was about an older Nigerian female who gets shamed for being unmarried and is expected to lower her standards to any man with a pulse inspite of her accomplishments.

This book reminded me of several conversations I’ve had with concerned uncles and aunties. Some of them are close to me, and they try not to pester me. They remind me they are praying and ask for updates. Others have attained the aunty/uncle title by respect and not by relationship. They are acquaintances at best and often can skip pleasantries to ask when they are “coming to eat rice.” I used to be annoyed by these comments but less so these days. Annoyance requires energy, and I’m protecting my energy fiercely. I tend to either laugh it off or ask them to keep praying for me.

I have a desire to be married, but I’m not desperate. I would rather take my time and make a good decision than be pressured into accepting the first person who comes knocking. I’m not alone in this. A lot of my female friends who are unmarried and even some male friends have the desire to marry. The older generation often don’t realise how insensitive their questions can be. (Perhaps some of them don’t care). These questions may come with good intentions, but they can make single people feel ashamed, as though there is something wrong with them. They make us feel we must be broken if “no one wants to marry you.”  They imply that we are deficient because we are unmarried. Sometimes, they go further and ask you to shrink yourself as a single woman so men are not intimidated by your success. Who wants a man who is intimidated by my success?! Certainly not me. If he’s intimidated now, then he won’t let me grow and excel in the future. I want someone who will fan the flame of success and be my biggest cheerleader.

A Nollywood star, Alexx Ekubo, recently passed away. He was 40 years old, and for some reason , I watched his service of songs on YouTube. I was shocked to see how much worship and God featured in the service. I was deeply moved by the tributes given during the service by family and friends. It made me reflective, and I wondered what people would say about me when I die. It reminded me of the fragility of life and the fact that we won’t take anything out of this life. We leave as we came, alone, with nothing.

I watched how Alexx’s friends featured heavily in the funeral and how much love there was on display as they supported one another. I thought about my relationships and the things that I’ve given my life to like my career. I want to enjoy life regardless of my relationship status, and I would love people to allow me and other single people to enjoy life.

So for any uncles and aunties who might be reading this, please stop asking questions and making comments about people’s relationship status. Stop pressuring people to get married and to lower their standards. Our current happiness and joy is important. We don’t have to wait to attain a position to be happy. We are not deficient. We are whole people. I understand you might have concerns. Please take them to God. Ask God for instructions on whether to speak and what to say to a person. Before you try to match-make people, please pray about it, at least. Your wonderful nephew, niece, “aburo” might not be who you think. So please temper your eagerness with care and tact.

Some people might feel defensive and unappreciated by this article. That is not my intention. These are sweeping statements that don’t apply to everyone, but if the shoe fits 🤷

Lord, I thank you for life and good health and people who care about us. I thank you for the institution of marriage and the many benefits it provides in good and bad times. Lord, I pray for wisdom for the older generation as they try to encourage single people that they will not add pressure and make us feel less important or accomplished because of our marital status. When they have ideas for match making, remind them to check with you first. Lord, I pray for us single people. Help us to receive the concerns and prayers with a good heart. Grant us wisdom to respond respectfully and implement boundaries when necessary.  We receive your help for both categories of people in Jesus’s name, amen

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic…

As an aunty/uncle, have you thought about our perspective?
As a “young person” who is single, how often do you get these comments? How do they make you feel? How do you respond?