Hope

Hello lovely people 😊

Hope you had a lovely Easter. As you probably know, in the Christian tradition, we’ve just celebrated Easter when we remember that Jesus died for us and God raised him to life again. The hope we have in Christ hinges on his resurrection. Last week, I was in church on Easter Sunday, and I felt God remind me to be hopeful. He said, “Never let anything prevent you from being hopeful.”

God’s message reminded me of the period late last year into early this year when I felt hopeless. I was very disappointed, and although I knew theoretically that things won’t always feel that way, that truth did not sink into my heart. For me, things felt very dark, and despair surrounded me like a fog. The comforting words of loved ones were not getting through the thick fog of despair. At that point, I thought it was too painful to hope again, so I’d just live life not expecting anything because that felt safer; those were lies, though. Lies upon lies.

See the thing about despair and hopelessness is that it not only steals today’s joy but tomorrow’s as well. It relegates life to a mindless existence where you go through the motions. The life God designed was not meant to be that way.

2000 years ago, Good Friday was everything but good. I can imagine the disciples were terrified. Their master and rabbi has been cruified. They’ve seen him die. He was meant to be the saviour, but now there’s no hope. They could not remember all the things he had told them of his death and resurrection. All they saw was the reality that he had died a criminal’s death and their journey of 3 years had come to an abrupt end.

Thank God the story doesn’t end there! Jesus rose on the 3rd morning. Light shone in the darkness, and the darkness receeded. The miracle of Easter is an example of hope; that joy does come in the morning; that the darkness (of the tomb) is not the end of the story.

I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s hard to be hopeful when everything within you just wants to curl up and shut everything out. I don’t have a magic wand, but God’s mercy prevailed for me. People were praying for me, and God broke through to me and lifted the fog of despair. Even at my low points, I knew deep inside that the feelings of despair I felt would not have the last laugh. I knew the feelings were not true, but I was too emotionally exhausted to fight them. I chose to “ride it out”.

I have a few suggestions that can help in those moments and periods of despair and hopelessness.

Surround yourself with people who love you and can hold you up in prayer. Ideally tell at least one person how you feel
Journal if you can. No filters, just raw thoughts and emotions. Write to God
Don’t stop speaking to God. Be angry, be sad, be whatever, but tell him. He can take your emotions. You don’t need to filter anything for Him, he sees it all anyway
Read the psalms – you’ll find something there that reflects your state of mind. Derive comfort from knowing you’re not alone.
Listen to music that can soothe your soul

If you’re going through a rough patch, it might be hard to believe but this too shall pass.

My testimony is that I have hope now. I have faith that God’s plans for me will become a reality. I know and am reminded that whatever happens, I am the beloved of God 💕

Lord, we thank you because you are a God of mercy. We thank you for your mercies, which are new every day. Lord, we receive mercy for today. Let your love fill our hearts. Let us know in our hearts that we are your beloved and nothing will change that. Remind us, dear Holy Spirit, that the power that raised Christ from the dead can also bring life and light from every dark situation we’re experiencing. Reach through the fog of pain and despair and let us experience your embrace. Fill us with your hope for a better tomorrow. Fill us with hope that one day, joy will come in the morning. Thank you, Lord, for hearing and answering our prayers. Amen

Posted on April 30, 2025July 1, 2025 by Sinmi 6

Defense mechanisms

Hello my loves

How has February been for you?

Disclaimer – This is quite a long post, so get strapped in. Get yourself a drink or snack. Yeah, treat yourself. You might need it as you read 😆

As you guessed, I want to talk on defense mechanisms today, but probably not in the way you think. Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways in which we protect ourselves from intense emotional stressors such as fear, distress, pain, etc. The stressor might be internal or external. They essentially aim to avoid unpleasant emotions, but they’re often problematic because they leave the actual issue unaddressed and unresolved.

Defense mechanisms affect all our relationships. In my training as a psychiatrist, I’ve learnt about defense mechanisms, but I’ve never thought of them in relation to my relationship with God. A few months ago, I stumbled on an article which was talking about attachment styles (maybe I’ll talk on that someday) and how that (can) relate(s) to our relationship with God and that really got me thinking. So when out of the blues I was thinking of defense mechanisms in relation to God, I was quite excited to think about it more and see what others think. There’s not a lot out there (that I’ve found) on defense mechanisms in relation to our relationship with God, so these are my fresh thoughts. They may be refined over time 😉

Defense mechanisms can be categorised into immature, neurotic (anxiety) and mature. There’s a fourth one that’s sometimes included called pathological or narcissistic (sometimes these are grouped with immature defenses). There are many defense mechanisms, but I won’t touch on all of them. I’ll take at least one from each category to illustrate my point.

Pathological defenses
Some examples are projection, denial, and splitting.
For example, splitting means having two extremes of opinion or feeling about something. For example, based on what’s happening in my life, I might think God is either good or bad. If I feel God is bad, I naturally withdraw from Him. Truth is, He is always good even when life is not good. He remains faithful when we are faithless. His mercies never cease. They are refreshed daily, whether it feels that way or not.

Immature defenses
Some examples are acting out, passive-aggression, and fantasising.
With passive aggression, there is a silent hostility where one is generally uncooperative. For example, I feel God hasn’t answered my prayer about something, so I won’t do what He asks me to do but might pretend I don’t understand the instruction. Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. He is compassionate towards us, but we have a God from whom we can not hide. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.

Neurotic defenses
Some examples are displacement, intellectualisation, and reaction formation.
Intellectualisation sounds like a good one, but it’s not all it’s cracked to be. This is one I’m guilty of. Lord, help me. Essentially, it’s creating distance from unpleasant emotions by hyperfocusing on facts. Instead of taking a painful experience to God, I fill the space with facts about God’s nature (e.g., his goodness) but not in a way that helps me actually engage with that nature.

Mature defenses
Some examples are suppression, humour, and sublimation.
With humour, you express difficult feelings in a light-hearted way. For example, God is taking me through a tough time, and I joke about how he’s trying to kill me (my flesh). Brother James must have known something about this from what he said in his book (James 1:2-4) 😆 but really, joy is not the same as humour.

So, tying it all together, I’m not saying this absolutely fits, but it can be helpful for us to use this to examine or reflect on some of our responses to God. If you notice similar responses to situations with people, then … you know, maybe you should spend some time thinking about it and taking it to God in prayer.

I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know this won’t appeal to some people at all, and that’s okay. We all approach things in different ways. Be blessed as I end with a prayer.

Lord, we thank you because you’re the omniscient God. You know everything about everything, Lord, and that blows my mind. I thank you that you see the maladaptive ways in which we deal with things and relationships and how that affects our relationship with you as well. Whatever we choose to call it, these issues are present and prevent us from healing and experiencing full freedom and intimacy with you. Lord, we ask that you expose these areas in our lives and help us bring them to you so we can be freed from them and work through them together. Strengthen us, Lord, to face these parts of ourselves that we sometimes like to ignore (denial 😉) and help us to open ourselves to your work in us. Amen.

References
Images from @thebraincoach

Posted on February 28, 2025February 28, 2025 by Sinmi 4

Chapter X

Hello, my lovelies 💓

How’s the new year going? It feels like I blinked, and January flew by. It’s been rapid.

As you gathered, I didn’t end 2024 on a high. I was conflicted on New Years Eve, and it wasn’t a nice feeling. As the days have gone by, things have gotten better.

Although I was upset with God, myself, and just lots of emotions and questions, I love the fact that I have a God who doesn’t shy away from our emotions and pain. He sits with us in our pain, and He longs to bring healing. He brings scripture, songs, and people our way to help us.

A few days ago, I listened to a short clip which was talking about how the church and Christians deal with the issue of pain, in particular emotional pain, be it grief, loss, whatever form it takes. There appears to be a notion that we need to rush to leave that state. This is obviously a generalisation, but I think there’s some truth to it. We struggle to comfort people in pain, as though their discomfort further serves to discomfort us, so we seek to quickly see the end of it. We use some phrases (usually stock phrases) that dress it up as noble encouragement, but it leaves me wondering where the kindness and compassion are. Thankfully for me, God had in his mercy surrounded me with people who, for the most part, have been compassionate and haven’t put pressure on me to “snap out of it.” This is an aside, but I feel the need to encourage us as Christians to be more compassionate. You don’t need to have an answer for someone’s pain. Just let them know you’re thinking of them and that you care for them.

My main point today was to share something I was thinking about a few weeks ago. I was thinking about what remains constant through life’s changes and seasons. Of course, there are quite a few things, but chief of them is love, specifically the love of God. You see, all the time I was upset, one thing I never doubted was God’s love for me. I might not have felt it, emotionally, at the time, but there was an assurance that in spite of things, God loves me. I remember God saying to me that if I’m ever unsure of everything, and nothing feels real, I can always count on his love for me.

These words aren’t platitudes to make you feel better. They’re based on God’s word to us. You might not feel able to access or acknowledge love, but that doesn’t mean it’s not present.

Guys, life is hard. To deny that would be a lie. Some days, your pain or situation would cause you to question a lot of things you took for granted, but God is our present help in time of trouble. You might not feel a spooky presence with you, but you know he can be with you through the people he places around you, who hold your hand through hard times.

One of my aunties sent me some verses to encourage me (after a long period of her listening to me), and a lot of them blew my mind. This one (below), in particular, challenged me a lot. It really made me think and analyse my heart and mind posture.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to these things, so these are MY opinions, based on my experience.

In summary, I’ll leave you with these three things and end with a prayer.
1. Life gets hard sometimes, but God’s love will never let you go
2. People might try to rush you or even gaslight you, pay them no mind!
3. Take your time and while doing that, be honest with God about how you feel. Don’t say he knows. Telll him with your words; articulate how you feel
4. An extra for those at the back LOL, please let’s be kind to one another. Be compassionate.

Lord, we know that life sometimes hurts, and things don’t seem to make sense. We feel angry, lost, or disconnected from you, but it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our feelings. David did a good job of capturing some of those emotions we feel, and yet he always came back up, somehow. This gives us hope that joy can come in the morning. We thank you for your love that can withstand any situation or power. We thank you for your love that never ends and never fails. We thank you because even when every structure crumbles around us, we can be sure that we are held by everlasting, all-powerful arms, and we can put our faith in you. Lord send us help from Zion. Place compassionate people around us and, more importantly, teach us to be the compassionate people we’d want to help us in our life’s struggles, amen.

NB – The hyperlinks (underlined words) contains the links to the full verses I’m referring to. Please click on them 🙏

Posted on January 27, 2025January 30, 2025 by Sinmi 0

End of a chapter

Hello guys 😊

It’s that time of year where we’re reflecting on how the year has gone. The good, the bad and the ugly.

It’s been a hot minute since I shared something personal. This year I have experienced a lot of good things. Many prayers have been answered, many fears allayed and by the same token, many hopes realised. I have truly been loaded with many benefits.

During the latter part of this year, one of my hopes were dashed. Sigh. I’ve been shocked at how much this has cast a shadow on these blessings I’ve just been talking about. It’s almost as though the bitter taste (this has left) in my mouth has erased the memory of the sweetness I enjoyed earlier. It’s so subtle. At times, I find myself thinking this year has been rubbish or my life is just … More recently, I’m catching these thoughts, recognising they’re not the full picture and trying to balance/counter them with the knowledge of the great benefits I’ve enjoyed this year.

It sucks to end the year with this bitter taste lingering on my tongue, in my mind. It’s hard to generate excitement for the year that’s round the corner. (I’m not a fan of suffering olympics, but) I know there are people going through worse things and I really hope they are surrounded by love and find strength to keep going.

To those of us whose 2024 has not panned out how we hoped or perhaps there’s a dream you had that hasn’t come to pass or even crashed and burnt, this post is for us.
This too shall pass.
Things aren’t always going to look bleak.
The pain abates after a while.

There are two songs I’d like to share which I think are beautiful and capture some of the sentiments I’ve shared. I’ll share the Spotify links and YouTube links.

Hold on to me – Lauren Daigle Spotify YouTube

Your will – Lee Vasi Spotify YouTube

A third link I’ll share isn’t a song. It’s an exhortation, a fresh perspective on restoration by a lady called Ty Bello. It’s also on Spotify.

Rom 15:13 NIV

I’d like to end with a prayer.

Dear God, I thank you for all the beautiful things this year has brought (please list three things you’re grateful for). You have surprised me and filled my mouth with laughter. I’m grateful for all you’ve done for me and for being my father, my friend. You know that although I’m grateful there are things that have caused me pain this year too; things that I don’t understand; things that cause my hope and strength to fail. Lord I want to be hopeful but it’s so hard. I want to have the right perspective but pain blinds me at times. Lord you are the God of all hope. I ask that you fill me with your hope, your joy and your strength. As hard as it is, help me to trust you and trust in your goodness and faithfulness. My 2025 is in your hands, let it be the year that you have made, one I will rejoice and be glad in. In Jesus name I pray, amen 🙏

Posted on December 30, 2024December 30, 2024 by Sinmi 2

Sexually inappropriate behaviours

Hey guys 👋🏽 Hope you’re doing well. Today’s topic is a bit heavy but it’s an important discussion that must be had. It’s complicated and has been the source of heartache and emotional turmoil for so many people 😢 💔

Needless to say, rape is a CRIME and there should NEVER be an excuse for it. Rape happens because of rapists. FULLSTOP! This article will be discussing sexually inappropriate behaviours with a focus on rape. [Sometimes in this article, rape may be used interchangeably with other forms of sexually inappropriate behaviours.]

Sexually inappropriate behaviours occur on a spectrum from inappropriate (or suggestive) words to penetration. In England, rape is legally defined as penile penetration of someone’s vagina, anus or mouth against their consent or when their ability to consent is in doubt. This definition automatically sees men as the perpetrators of rape and does not acknowledge the sexual violation some men have experienced at the hands of women. Perhaps this partially feeds into the difficulty in society acknowledging that female-on-male rape does occur.

Although all sexually inappropriate behaviours are very harmful, unfortunately most times we only recognise actual penetration as being harmful. It is important to point out that no one but the survivor knows the true extent and severity of damage that has been done.

NOBODY has a right to prescribe, predict or dictate how much damage and pain a survivor is “allowed” or meant to feel.

NOBODY should dictate how long the survivor can take to “recover” (heal) from this damage.

NOBODY should blame the victim because no one deserves to be sexually assaulted, NOBODY.

Anyone can be on the receiving end of these horrific events; babies, elderly people, men, women, heterosexual, homosexual, LGBTQ+, virgin, sex worker, anyone.

Although there are some trumped up charges of rape and sexual assault (which is despicable and criminal), cases of rape and other sexual offences are largely underreported for many reasons. Shame, fear, lack of knowledge, shock are the most common reasons. Sadly in many cases of rape and sexual violence, the perpetrator is known to the survivor prior to the act. Only 13% of perpetrators of sexual assault (against females) have been reported to be strangers [See ONS link below]. Sexual assault is 3 times more to be perpetrated by a (ex-)partner than a family member [ONS]. Over one in ten adults have been sexually assaulted; with indecent touching four times more common than rape [ONS].

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A rape/sexual assault allegation should NEVER be an act of revenge. Recently I heard of a case where to my surprise, people were sceptical of whether or not a person reporting sexual assault was being truthful. Most of the sceptical people had sons and were thinking about their own sons and the impact of a false allegation on them.

I was quite shocked by this. Imagine someone very distressed and distraught who summons the courage to seek help, only to be met with scepticism. We might not shout out our biases but they reveal themselves in the way we act, the questions we ask, the manner with which we treat people. THIS is the damage I’m referring to when I denounce the evil of false allegations of sexual assault. We are doing the real victims(survivors) a disservice.

False allegations do a whole world of damage to true victims (survivors), alleged perpetrators (their present and future, their family) and the societal outlook on rape. Why are some people so vindictive? I honestly do not know how some people sleep at night knowing they have falsely accused someone of rape. What’s worse is this recent spate of social media warriors who can with one tweet or thread ruin someone’s life. An apology or retraction of the allegation will NEVER be enough to atone for the grievances committed. I cannot police what people post on social media regarding trauma they’ve experienced but often times I think it does more harm than good because social media users can be ruthless with no concern for the mental health of the real human beings involved. Personally I’d advocate for other means of seeking justice to be explored before bringing the case before the judge and jury of Twitter Court. (This is only my opinion, you might not agree but I’m not saying this to hurt anyone. If this offends you, I’m sorry.)

Lastly, rape has been around since the beginning of time and unfortunately I think it will always be with us because where humans are, all sorts of errors and “badness” is bound to occur. Does this mean we give up and accept this curse? No! We sensitise people, educate people, punish and seek justice against perpetrators. Charity begins at home. Its easier to do a post and forget about it but we should try to talk discuss this with our parents, nieces and nephews, sons and daughters. Also, we need to support survivors and make the process of seeking medical and legal help easier. We improve our legislation to show that our public, social media outcry isn’t just a phase, a trend that is swiftly swept away. We learn from the pain of others. We do NOT justify or explain rape or any form of sexual abuse.
#saynotorape