Tag: #humanbehaviour

Part 3: What’s love got to do with it

Do we desire unconditional love? Of course, we do.
But there is only one love that can truly satisfy our deepest longings.
We expect people to love us perfectly;
But we struggle to love ourselves perfectly, how much more extend that love to others.
It’s not wrong to expect someone who professes to love you to love you well.
It is not enough for them to say “That’s how I am”.
The way you are can change.

We should be humble enough to receive the feedback and insight from others about our blind spots;
So we can grow and strengthen the weak areas.
We are ALL on this journey.
So we need to deal with each other gracefully.

It will take time and effort but if love is truly involved, the effort will be made.

While the effort is being made, be grateful.

Extend the grace you would wish to receive yourself.

Lasting change is not instantaneous.

Encourage and water the seeds.

Cover the multitude of sins

And see how that love blooms

Love is a doing word, a verb. So what do you do when something hasn’t gone well in a relationship? Let me remind you that I’m not an expert. I don’t have it figured out. I am trying to live this out, same as you and sharing my musings as I go along.

Speaking out in relationships/about life issues

When you’re not happy about something (in a relationship)
And you don’t speak out, the issue doesn’t disappear, it festers
It might not be at the surface but it is releasing poisonous gases into you
As you compress the volume of unresolved emotions, pressure increases within you (like in Boyle’s law).
The more you say I’m fine while dying inside,
The more you build that pressure.
A tiny spark changes the temperature and causes things to ramp up (like in Charles law, this increases the volume of those emotions ) [you didn’t know you were gonna get a chemistry lesson right? Haha 😝 ]
One day there will be an implosion or an explosion;
And people, maybe even including you, will be shocked.
They’ll say but (s)he was fine.
What happened?
Where did this come from?
It came from all the anger and hurt that was suppressed.

If there is no one you can talk to, there is always the One, your Father God who sees and knows ALL the angles of this situation,
Talk to him.
Cry, moan, scream, write, do whatever you need to do to vent;
But create an outlet for your pain that is not destructive to you or others.
The One will bring someone into your life, either directly, through books, sermons, what have you;
Someone who will walk with you through the hardship.
If there is a person involved in the pain, after talking to God about it, try to talk to the person as calmly as you can.
Write down what you want to say if you think it’ll be too hard to verbalise.
As much as it lies with you, try to make peace with this person.
Manage your expectations.
If the peace is not forthcoming, go back to the Prince of Peace.
Ask for the next steps.
Be obedient.

To tie it all together, over the last few months, I’ve talked about our very valid, deep desire to be loved unconditionally. We can only receive this type of love from God and we aspire to love others like he loves us.

We also have a need to feel psychologically safe in our relationships, with God, ourselves and others. Fear is a major barrier to safety but when we know that we have a kind God who believes the best about us and is unmovable, we can allow ourselves to relax into his love and experience the transformation he gives as we bring our real, unfiltered selves.

We are all on the journey of learning to love unconditionally. Journey signifies movement and action. There must be a desire to change coupled with actions taken to recognise where we are, receive feedback, have honest conversations and work with God, ourselves and our loved ones to live out that change.
Let us be gracious towards one another because change is hard and we will make mistakes along the way.

If you missed the first two posts in this series, I would recommend reading them to understand the context of this post.

I would love to know how you’ve found this short series and what your thoughts are on the things I’ve written about. I pray it has blessed you and made you pause to think about yourself and your love life.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for all you have revealed over these three months. We are grateful that you continually call us higher, to be more like you. Lord, in and of ourselves, we can’t do it and so we ask for your help. Forgive us for the times we have missed the mark and soften our hearts so we are truly repentant and contrite. Help us to be brave enough to look inward at the places where we are not doing well. Help us to be humble enough to listen when we are corrected and given feedback even when it hurts and we feel justified or misunderstood. Remind us that perfect love casts out fear and that you have no part in fear. You chose us knowing all our flaws and have promised that nothing can separate us from your love, so help us to stand firm in that knowledge. Let it sink into the deepest parts of our psyche and silence the lies of the enemy. Help us to be kind and gracious in the way we broach difficult conversations so that our relationships can deepen and flourish. Lord increase our capacity to receive the love you lavish on us and increase our capacity to give from the bounty we have received, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi Featured 5

What’s love got to do with it …

Hello my lovelies 💓 💖

I hope May had been good to you and you’ve had some public holidays to rest up.

I’m doing a 3-part series on this blog over the next 3 months. It’s titled “What’s love got to do with it”. I hope you enjoy it.

Do we desire unconditional love?
Of course we do;
We were built to seek and receive love.
There is only One person who can love you unconditionally.
I hate to break it to you
But it ain’t your man or your woman,
It ain’t your mama or your pops,
It definitely ain’t your friend or your siblings.
Only God, the One who is Love personified can truly love you unconditionally!
Human beings may try to love you unconditionally,
But it is a process.

The people who love you are not being wicked by not loving you perfectly,
By being conditional in their love, consciously or unconsciously,
They most likely have good intentions.
The issue is that they are flawed;
Just like you are, just like I am
For all their good intentions, they will make mistakes.
So, when you expect standards only God can attain from people,
You can be sure you’ll be disappointed.
When that disappointment occurs repeatedly, it can lead to frustration
And with enough time that leads to anger.
Anger can express itself outwardly or inwardly and lead to separation.

1 Peter 4:8 says above all, most importantly, love each other deeply …
Above ALL
Above all the irritations
Above all the imperfections
Above all the repetitions of the same mistakes
Above all the pain they have caused you
Above all the disappointments

[A quick caveat here to say I am NOT talking about abusive relationships
Abuse is not compatible with life and I don’t just mean physical abuse
Abuse kills something in you, every time]
Above all, love each other deeply

… Because love covers a multitude of sins
Multitude is a whole lot
You can’t count it.
…. Of sins
That seventy times seven type of forgiveness
Is a requirement for this kind of love.
It is not easy,
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It is very hard,
But we are called to love deeply,
To increase our capacity to love others.

Out of the overflow that we receive from the love that our Lord and our Father both lavish upon us,
We can love each other deeply.
Our love can increase in capacity such that it stretches to cover the multitude of sins.
To cover something, you have to acknowledge that it is there.
You can’t cover nothing.
You can’t ignore something on one hand and confront it on the other hand.
The love we are called to is not one that pretends.
You can only pretend for so long
And build resentment
Till an explosion happens.

Love confronts issues with grace and kindness
Love confronts issues, prepared to forgive, whether the person is sorry or not;
Whether the person recognises the error of their ways (as you perceive it) or not;
Whether the person has an appreciation for the hurt they caused or not;
Love confronts because the alternative is a gradual death of that love.
Issues that are not confronted become poison.
Some poisons don’t kill you immediately;
Ask people with asbestosis.
It causes damage slowly until one day you can’t breathe.

I’m not saying any of these things because I’ve mastered it. I’m also trying to live out this truth as I’m discovering it.

It is wise for us to realise on a mind-level but more importantly on a heart-level that while we can desire for people to love us, we are all on the journey of learning to love like God and often times we won’t get it right but we keep trying and growing closer to that day by day.

Lord I thank you because you model for us what love should look like. You loved us before we loved you or even acknowledged you. You desired that this love should be a mark of how people recognise us as your children, by how we love each other. Lord we do try to love each other but we don’t always get it right. We’re sorry for the times we’ve let our flaws and our pride get in the way. Please forgive us. We don’t want to keep going round in circles, making the same mistakes. Lord increase our capacity to receive your love. Let your love saturate our hearts. Out of the abundance of your love, help us to love each other deeply. Help us to forgive each other and let our love stretch enough to cover a multitude of sins and wrongdoings. Lord we desperately need your help, in your mercy will you come to our aid, in Jesus name, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Defense mechanisms

Hello my loves

How has February been for you?

Disclaimer – This is quite a long post, so get strapped in. Get yourself a drink or snack. Yeah, treat yourself. You might need it as you read 😆

As you guessed, I want to talk on defense mechanisms today, but probably not in the way you think. Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways in which we protect ourselves from intense emotional stressors such as fear, distress, pain, etc. The stressor might be internal or external. They essentially aim to avoid unpleasant emotions, but they’re often problematic because they leave the actual issue unaddressed and unresolved.

Defense mechanisms affect all our relationships. In my training as a psychiatrist, I’ve learnt about defense mechanisms, but I’ve never thought of them in relation to my relationship with God. A few months ago, I stumbled on an article which was talking about attachment styles (maybe I’ll talk on that someday) and how that (can) relate(s) to our relationship with God and that really got me thinking. So when out of the blues I was thinking of defense mechanisms in relation to God, I was quite excited to think about it more and see what others think. There’s not a lot out there (that I’ve found) on defense mechanisms in relation to our relationship with God, so these are my fresh thoughts. They may be refined over time 😉

Defense mechanisms can be categorised into immature, neurotic (anxiety) and mature. There’s a fourth one that’s sometimes included called pathological or narcissistic (sometimes these are grouped with immature defenses). There are many defense mechanisms, but I won’t touch on all of them. I’ll take at least one from each category to illustrate my point.

Pathological defenses
Some examples are projection, denial, and splitting.
For example, splitting means having two extremes of opinion or feeling about something. For example, based on what’s happening in my life, I might think God is either good or bad. If I feel God is bad, I naturally withdraw from Him. Truth is, He is always good even when life is not good. He remains faithful when we are faithless. His mercies never cease. They are refreshed daily, whether it feels that way or not.

Immature defenses
Some examples are acting out, passive-aggression, and fantasising.
With passive aggression, there is a silent hostility where one is generally uncooperative. For example, I feel God hasn’t answered my prayer about something, so I won’t do what He asks me to do but might pretend I don’t understand the instruction. Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. He is compassionate towards us, but we have a God from whom we can not hide. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.

Neurotic defenses
Some examples are displacement, intellectualisation, and reaction formation.
Intellectualisation sounds like a good one, but it’s not all it’s cracked to be. This is one I’m guilty of. Lord, help me. Essentially, it’s creating distance from unpleasant emotions by hyperfocusing on facts. Instead of taking a painful experience to God, I fill the space with facts about God’s nature (e.g., his goodness) but not in a way that helps me actually engage with that nature.

Mature defenses
Some examples are suppression, humour, and sublimation.
With humour, you express difficult feelings in a light-hearted way. For example, God is taking me through a tough time, and I joke about how he’s trying to kill me (my flesh). Brother James must have known something about this from what he said in his book (James 1:2-4) 😆 but really, joy is not the same as humour.

So, tying it all together, I’m not saying this absolutely fits, but it can be helpful for us to use this to examine or reflect on some of our responses to God. If you notice similar responses to situations with people, then … you know, maybe you should spend some time thinking about it and taking it to God in prayer.

I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know this won’t appeal to some people at all, and that’s okay. We all approach things in different ways. Be blessed as I end with a prayer.

Lord, we thank you because you’re the omniscient God. You know everything about everything, Lord, and that blows my mind. I thank you that you see the maladaptive ways in which we deal with things and relationships and how that affects our relationship with you as well. Whatever we  choose to call it, these issues are present and prevent us from healing and experiencing full freedom and intimacy with you. Lord, we ask that you expose these areas in our lives and help us bring them to you so we can be freed from them and work through them together. Strengthen us, Lord, to face these parts of ourselves that we sometimes like to ignore (denial 😉) and help us to open ourselves to your work in us. Amen.

References
Images from @thebraincoach

Posted on by Sinmi 4