Tag: love

Care vs Control

Hello, my lovelies 💓

I hope your February has been a lovely month. I am sorry my post is a day late 😪 Please forgive me.

It’s a fairly long post that but I hope it resonates and helps you reflect 😊

To love and be loved is one of the greatest joys and triumphs in life. This pursuit of love has unfortunately led to many tragic situations where people have been deeply hurt and in some cases, damaged.

I was thinking recently about control and how at times control can wear the mask of care and concern. There can appear to be similarities but the underlying motivators are different.

When you care for someone, naturally you don’t want them to come to harm. You might want to protect them from harmful situations. This might come in the form of checking they are safe, giving advice about things, etc.

Control often comes from a place of fear. For example, you may have someone good whom you don’t want to “lose” and so you place a metaphorical net around them.

The outcome of being treated with care or control is apparent in the fruit they produce. I’ll use an analogy here. If I have a precious, delicate glass ornament, I could hold it very gently, place it in a cushioned holder in my attempt to care for it. On the other hand, I might hold it tight and not want to let it out of my sight because I fear losing it. So I hold it tighter and tighter until it crumbles in my hands. That’s what control does. Care causes the recipient to thrive and encourages their authentic self to be revealed. Control restricts the worldview of the recipient and they become a shadow of themselves.

When you care for someone, you can give advice but trust them to make their own decisions. If the decisions have unfavourable outcomes, you’re there to help them pick the pieces and help them through the process.

When you control someone, you take away their autonomy and form a dictatorship where they feel imprisoned.

This Care vs Control dynamic applies in all relationships such as friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, etc. It is not gender specific.

God who is the most powerful gives us the choice to love him or leave him so his desire isn’t for you to be controlled.

Some signs of control in a relationship

  • Silent treatment – unexplained silence or minimal communication as punishment
  • Excessive, unsolicited “suggestions” about physical appearance or other things
  • Constant monitoring of whereabouts and who you’re with
  • Having to walk on egg-shells and inability to freely express oneself
  • Second-guessing yourself and wondering if you’re “too sensitive”

If you’re worried that you’re being controlled in a relationship, you need some support.

  • The first thing is identifying control.
  • Create some space between yourself and the person controlling you.
  • Rediscover what is important to you and what YOU want.
  • Draw up boundaries to keep you safe and share this with the person involved.
  • Put structures in place to help you enforce these boundaries, e.g., not answering messages or emails after a certain time or if they have certain content.
  • I’d recommend keeping a journal of some sort. This could be audio or written describing your experiences and reflecting on them.
  • It’s also very important to speak to someone independent who is a safe space. This could be a counsellor, a trusted friend, etc. Please if this person minimises your concerns and explains them away, they’re not the one. Find someone else to speak to. Don’t let your voice be silenced and your story stolen.
  • Please speak to God about this. He cares deeply.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. Lord open my eyes to see where I have allowed my boundaries to be eroded. Lord help me not to be bitter but allow these revelations to motivate me to clarify my boundaries. Help me enforce these boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

If you’re worried that you’re controlling someone else, well done for recognising it.

  • Take time to think through different interactions and what you were feeling at the time.
  • Apologise to the person you’re controlling.
  • Speak to them about things you’ve done that they found uncomfortable and ask what their boundaries are.
  • Have a journal to document what’s going on internally when you feel tempted to control someone else. Is there something you’re afraid of? Is there something within you that needs healing?
  • I would recommend speaking to someone who is mature, loves you and will speak the truth to you. This could be a counsellor or trusted friend.
  • Please speak to God. Apologise to him also for controlling his beloved child. Seek his insight on what’s led you to this place. Seek his guidance on how to move forward. Receive his healing.

Lord, I thank you for your unfailing love which frees us. Your love is unconditional. It allows us to bring our real selves as we know them and doesn’t want us to hide. It helps us be the better versions you know we can be by working alongside us. You never force us. You always give us the choice while hoping we choose you. Lord help me to choose you daily. Help me choose to love and not control those I love. I give you every fear I have of losing those who are precious to me.  I give you the fear of being irrelevant or forgotten. Lord open my eyes to the mistakes I have made in overstepping my boundaries. Help me to have the difficult conversations needed and to respect others’ boundaries. Lord heal the brokenness in my soul and make me whole, in Jesus’ name, amen.

You can read more on controlling behaviour here:

https://www.themodestman.com/18-indicators-of-coercive-control-disguised-as-care/

Please comment, share and like. Be blessed  😇 🙏

Posted on by Sinmi 0

Part 3: What’s love got to do with it

Do we desire unconditional love? Of course, we do.
But there is only one love that can truly satisfy our deepest longings.
We expect people to love us perfectly;
But we struggle to love ourselves perfectly, how much more extend that love to others.
It’s not wrong to expect someone who professes to love you to love you well.
It is not enough for them to say “That’s how I am”.
The way you are can change.

We should be humble enough to receive the feedback and insight from others about our blind spots;
So we can grow and strengthen the weak areas.
We are ALL on this journey.
So we need to deal with each other gracefully.

It will take time and effort but if love is truly involved, the effort will be made.

While the effort is being made, be grateful.

Extend the grace you would wish to receive yourself.

Lasting change is not instantaneous.

Encourage and water the seeds.

Cover the multitude of sins

And see how that love blooms

Love is a doing word, a verb. So what do you do when something hasn’t gone well in a relationship? Let me remind you that I’m not an expert. I don’t have it figured out. I am trying to live this out, same as you and sharing my musings as I go along.

Speaking out in relationships/about life issues

When you’re not happy about something (in a relationship)
And you don’t speak out, the issue doesn’t disappear, it festers
It might not be at the surface but it is releasing poisonous gases into you
As you compress the volume of unresolved emotions, pressure increases within you (like in Boyle’s law).
The more you say I’m fine while dying inside,
The more you build that pressure.
A tiny spark changes the temperature and causes things to ramp up (like in Charles law, this increases the volume of those emotions ) [you didn’t know you were gonna get a chemistry lesson right? Haha 😝 ]
One day there will be an implosion or an explosion;
And people, maybe even including you, will be shocked.
They’ll say but (s)he was fine.
What happened?
Where did this come from?
It came from all the anger and hurt that was suppressed.

If there is no one you can talk to, there is always the One, your Father God who sees and knows ALL the angles of this situation,
Talk to him.
Cry, moan, scream, write, do whatever you need to do to vent;
But create an outlet for your pain that is not destructive to you or others.
The One will bring someone into your life, either directly, through books, sermons, what have you;
Someone who will walk with you through the hardship.
If there is a person involved in the pain, after talking to God about it, try to talk to the person as calmly as you can.
Write down what you want to say if you think it’ll be too hard to verbalise.
As much as it lies with you, try to make peace with this person.
Manage your expectations.
If the peace is not forthcoming, go back to the Prince of Peace.
Ask for the next steps.
Be obedient.

To tie it all together, over the last few months, I’ve talked about our very valid, deep desire to be loved unconditionally. We can only receive this type of love from God and we aspire to love others like he loves us.

We also have a need to feel psychologically safe in our relationships, with God, ourselves and others. Fear is a major barrier to safety but when we know that we have a kind God who believes the best about us and is unmovable, we can allow ourselves to relax into his love and experience the transformation he gives as we bring our real, unfiltered selves.

We are all on the journey of learning to love unconditionally. Journey signifies movement and action. There must be a desire to change coupled with actions taken to recognise where we are, receive feedback, have honest conversations and work with God, ourselves and our loved ones to live out that change.
Let us be gracious towards one another because change is hard and we will make mistakes along the way.

If you missed the first two posts in this series, I would recommend reading them to understand the context of this post.

I would love to know how you’ve found this short series and what your thoughts are on the things I’ve written about. I pray it has blessed you and made you pause to think about yourself and your love life.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for all you have revealed over these three months. We are grateful that you continually call us higher, to be more like you. Lord, in and of ourselves, we can’t do it and so we ask for your help. Forgive us for the times we have missed the mark and soften our hearts so we are truly repentant and contrite. Help us to be brave enough to look inward at the places where we are not doing well. Help us to be humble enough to listen when we are corrected and given feedback even when it hurts and we feel justified or misunderstood. Remind us that perfect love casts out fear and that you have no part in fear. You chose us knowing all our flaws and have promised that nothing can separate us from your love, so help us to stand firm in that knowledge. Let it sink into the deepest parts of our psyche and silence the lies of the enemy. Help us to be kind and gracious in the way we broach difficult conversations so that our relationships can deepen and flourish. Lord increase our capacity to receive the love you lavish on us and increase our capacity to give from the bounty we have received, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi Featured 5

Part Two

Hello lovelies 😊😊 I’m sorry my post is a day late 😔 I want to be a queen that’s on time.

A few months ago, someone asked me, “what do you think of when you think of godly friendship?”. The word that kept coming to me was “psychological safety”. Obviously, this is reductionist in the sense that a single word can not capture the full breadth of friendship, but for me, that was the word that stuck in my mind. Since then, I’ve been pondering psychological safety, and really, I think it’s a continuation of a thought process or discussion God has been having with me.

Psychological safety is a phrase commonly used in the business world and workplace to describe the feeling of being able to speak up without fear of criticism and exclusion. This concept also applies to relationships on all levels, but in those circles it’s often called emotional safety. Because the term psychological safety is what stuck in my mind, I’m using it for the purposes of this post.

The importance of safety in relationships cannot be overemphasised. Without safety, the relationship’s depth is stunted. My relationship with God, with myself, and with others, all require a measure of psychological safety. We all have an innate need for safety and security and we seek to meet that. Sometimes, we even go to extreme lengths to meet that need. Often times, we downplay the importance of this need or perhaps are oblivious to it and how it affects our relationships.

The bible repeatedly paints a picture of a God who is a safe space for us. For example,

Proverbs 18:10 AMP  “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs to it and is safe and set on high [far above evil].”

A major obstacle to building psychological safety is fear. Fear of rejection, of not measuring up, of not belonging, fear of punishment. At times, we might think this safety (from the verse above) only refers to safety from physical danger but physical danger is not the only form of danger out there, coming against us. The weapons vary and psychological danger is very much a weapon. Whether it is real (in an externally validated way) or it’s perceived (internally), it’s still real to the person experiencing it and requires a solution.

Until we attain a measure of psychological safety within our relationships, we will be stunted versions of ourselves.

We might be doing well, and people think we are absolutely smashing it, but in reality, that could be a fraction of what we have the potential for. We were called to live life abundantly. That’s what our saviour died for. He didn’t die for us to merely be “okay”. He doesn’t measure us up against the standards we set for ourselves but against the potential he has placed in us. The applause of man is not the applause of God. Yes, he is happy for every step you take and the progress you make but he yearns for you, for me, to truly see all that he has planned for us; to broaden our minds to match up with his vision for us.

Another command and encouragement we see repeated throughout the bible is “Do not fear”. Fear limits. It limits the attainment of our goals and limits the enjoyment of those goals, of life itself.

I believe love is the answer to psychological safety. Not the theoretical love we know but that which resides in our hearts and has trickled down into our unconscious world. The love that casts out fear, that pure love of God. When we truly know in our knower (a deep, intuitive gut sense) that we are loved, we know that we can be safe.

1 John 4:16 AMP: We have come to know [by personal observation and experience], and have believed [with deep, consistent faith] the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides continually in him.

Let’s look together at 1 Corinthian 13.

“Love is patient and kind” – when we know and experience this love which doesn’t say “This is your third strike and you’re out”, it’s easier to own up to our faults and mistakes. It’s easier to bring things to the light, which we would rather remained hidden. When we know that we have a kind God, who doesn’t tut at us and treat us with disdain because of our flaws, we are more likely to let him in on all the things he already knew about us before the beginning of the world. It’s not that God doesn’t know these things, but he wants us to trust him with them.

“Love does not demand its own way” – the love of God compels us to obey his will. He does not demand it. He gives us a choice and advises us to choose obedience and choose life.

2 Corinthians 5:14a AMP “For the love of Christ controls and compels us”

“Love keeps no record of being wronged.” Our God doesn’t say “Wow again? I thought you said sorry for this yesterday and swore blind you’d never do it again”. When we repent, he is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us of unrighteousness. He remembers our sin no more. This is not a “get-out-of-jail card”.

Romans 6:1-2 AMP “What shall we say [to all this]? Should we continue in sin and practice sin as a habit so that [God’s gift of] grace may increase and overflow? Certainly not! How can we, the very ones who died to sin, continue to live in it any longer?”

We sin and fall short constantly, but (hopefully) not because we are unmindful or uncaring about his sacrifice for us. The more we experience his love, the less we want to hurt him by our actions and inactions. The more we experience his love, the more we seek to do his commands. Having a “free pass” mentality of God’s grace is evidence that his love has not been fully formed in us.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance”. His love never gives up on us. When you know that you have a solid rock who is going nowhere, there’s safety in knowing you can keep coming back. He’s not going to lose faith. He hopes the best and believes the best about you. He endures through everything you put him through and still has his arm open wide to fetch you back to his side.

1 Corinthians 13:8b NLT But love will last forever!

Now this is obviously the love of God which we (should) all aspire to practise in our own lives. God’s love is the perfect template of love. He is love personified. Intellectual knowledge of God’s love, as majestic and marvellous as it is, does not guarantee me psychological safety. I have to experience it on a heart level.

Through his sacrificial love, Christ gave us the opportunity and privilege of belonging to his family as children of God. We have been adopted into the household of faith and we have a seat at the table. We are welcome into God’s presence to develop intimacy with him, father to child. In our father’s house, we will never be rejected or asked to leave. We can always be assured of our place and because of that, we have safety to be ourselves. We can come as we are, with our flaws and graces, knowing that he will lovingly transform us into the people he called us to be. His love accepts our present state but loves us too much to leave us as we are. He calls us to partner with him to fulfil our potential; without fear of failure, abandonment, or rejection.

Dear Lord, I thank you because the entrance of your word brings light and illuminates things that were previously hidden. Lord, there have been times I haven’t felt safe to express how I feel to myself, to others, and most importantly to you. I know that you won’t judge me, but a part of me still fears what your reaction might be to my flaws and the parts of me I don’t like. I know you love me deeply, and perfectly, and your love casts out fear. Lord, I ask that you fill me with a greater measure of your love, experientially, such that there is no space for fear to remain in me. I am very grateful that I’ve been adopted into your family, and that I belong here with you. Your love will never give up on me. Thank you, Lord. I love you, amen

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What’s love got to do with it …

Hello my lovelies 💓 💖

I hope May had been good to you and you’ve had some public holidays to rest up.

I’m doing a 3-part series on this blog over the next 3 months. It’s titled “What’s love got to do with it”. I hope you enjoy it.

Do we desire unconditional love?
Of course we do;
We were built to seek and receive love.
There is only One person who can love you unconditionally.
I hate to break it to you
But it ain’t your man or your woman,
It ain’t your mama or your pops,
It definitely ain’t your friend or your siblings.
Only God, the One who is Love personified can truly love you unconditionally!
Human beings may try to love you unconditionally,
But it is a process.

The people who love you are not being wicked by not loving you perfectly,
By being conditional in their love, consciously or unconsciously,
They most likely have good intentions.
The issue is that they are flawed;
Just like you are, just like I am
For all their good intentions, they will make mistakes.
So, when you expect standards only God can attain from people,
You can be sure you’ll be disappointed.
When that disappointment occurs repeatedly, it can lead to frustration
And with enough time that leads to anger.
Anger can express itself outwardly or inwardly and lead to separation.

1 Peter 4:8 says above all, most importantly, love each other deeply …
Above ALL
Above all the irritations
Above all the imperfections
Above all the repetitions of the same mistakes
Above all the pain they have caused you
Above all the disappointments

[A quick caveat here to say I am NOT talking about abusive relationships
Abuse is not compatible with life and I don’t just mean physical abuse
Abuse kills something in you, every time]
Above all, love each other deeply

… Because love covers a multitude of sins
Multitude is a whole lot
You can’t count it.
…. Of sins
That seventy times seven type of forgiveness
Is a requirement for this kind of love.
It is not easy,
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It is very hard,
But we are called to love deeply,
To increase our capacity to love others.

Out of the overflow that we receive from the love that our Lord and our Father both lavish upon us,
We can love each other deeply.
Our love can increase in capacity such that it stretches to cover the multitude of sins.
To cover something, you have to acknowledge that it is there.
You can’t cover nothing.
You can’t ignore something on one hand and confront it on the other hand.
The love we are called to is not one that pretends.
You can only pretend for so long
And build resentment
Till an explosion happens.

Love confronts issues with grace and kindness
Love confronts issues, prepared to forgive, whether the person is sorry or not;
Whether the person recognises the error of their ways (as you perceive it) or not;
Whether the person has an appreciation for the hurt they caused or not;
Love confronts because the alternative is a gradual death of that love.
Issues that are not confronted become poison.
Some poisons don’t kill you immediately;
Ask people with asbestosis.
It causes damage slowly until one day you can’t breathe.

I’m not saying any of these things because I’ve mastered it. I’m also trying to live out this truth as I’m discovering it.

It is wise for us to realise on a mind-level but more importantly on a heart-level that while we can desire for people to love us, we are all on the journey of learning to love like God and often times we won’t get it right but we keep trying and growing closer to that day by day.

Lord I thank you because you model for us what love should look like. You loved us before we loved you or even acknowledged you. You desired that this love should be a mark of how people recognise us as your children, by how we love each other. Lord we do try to love each other but we don’t always get it right. We’re sorry for the times we’ve let our flaws and our pride get in the way. Please forgive us. We don’t want to keep going round in circles, making the same mistakes. Lord increase our capacity to receive your love. Let your love saturate our hearts. Out of the abundance of your love, help us to love each other deeply. Help us to forgive each other and let our love stretch enough to cover a multitude of sins and wrongdoings. Lord we desperately need your help, in your mercy will you come to our aid, in Jesus name, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Chapter X

Hello, my lovelies 💓

How’s the new year going? It feels like I blinked, and January flew by. It’s been rapid.

As you gathered, I didn’t end 2024 on a high. I was conflicted on New Years Eve, and it wasn’t a nice feeling. As the days have gone by, things have gotten better.

Although I was upset with God, myself, and just lots of emotions and questions, I love the fact that I have a God who doesn’t shy away from our emotions and pain. He sits with us in our pain, and He longs to bring healing. He brings scripture, songs, and people our way to help us.

A few days ago,  I listened to a short clip which was talking about how the church and Christians deal with the issue of pain, in particular emotional pain, be it grief, loss, whatever form it takes. There appears to be a notion that we need to rush to leave that state. This is obviously a generalisation, but I think there’s some truth to it. We struggle to comfort people in pain, as though their discomfort further serves to discomfort us, so we seek to quickly see the end of it. We use some phrases (usually stock phrases) that dress it up as noble encouragement, but it leaves me wondering where the kindness and compassion are. Thankfully for me, God had in his mercy surrounded me with people who, for the most part, have been compassionate and haven’t put pressure on me to “snap out of it.” This is an aside, but I feel the need to encourage us as Christians to be more compassionate. You don’t need to have an answer for someone’s pain. Just let them know you’re thinking of them and that you care for them.

My main point today was to share something I was thinking about a few weeks ago. I was thinking about what remains constant through life’s changes and seasons. Of course, there are quite a few things, but chief of them is love, specifically the love of God. You see, all the time I was upset, one thing I never doubted was God’s love for me. I might not have felt it, emotionally, at the time, but there was an assurance that in spite of things, God loves me. I remember God saying to me that if I’m ever unsure of everything, and nothing feels real, I can always count on his love for me.

These words aren’t platitudes to make you feel better. They’re based on God’s word to us. You might not feel able to access or acknowledge love, but that doesn’t mean it’s not present.

Guys, life is hard. To deny that would be a lie. Some days, your pain or situation would cause you to question a lot of things you took for granted, but God is our present help in time of trouble. You might not feel a spooky presence with you, but you know he can be with you through the people he places around you, who hold your hand through hard times.

One of my aunties sent me some verses to encourage me (after a long period of her listening to me), and a lot of them blew my mind. This one (below), in particular, challenged me a lot. It really made me think and analyse my heart and mind posture.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to these things, so these are MY opinions, based on my experience.

In summary, I’ll leave you with these three things and end with a prayer.
1. Life gets hard sometimes, but God’s love will never let you go
2. People might try to rush you or even gaslight you, pay them no mind!
3. Take your time and while doing that, be honest with God about how you feel. Don’t say he knows. Telll him with your words; articulate how you feel
4. An extra for those at the back LOL, please let’s be kind to one another. Be compassionate.

Lord, we know that life sometimes hurts, and things don’t seem to make sense. We feel angry, lost, or disconnected from you, but it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our feelings. David did a good job of capturing some of those emotions we feel, and yet he always came back up, somehow. This gives us hope that joy can come in the morning. We thank you for your love that can withstand any situation or power. We thank you for your love that never ends and never fails. We thank you because even when every structure crumbles around us, we can be sure that we are held by everlasting, all-powerful arms, and we can put our faith in you. Lord send us help from Zion. Place compassionate people around us and, more importantly, teach us to be the compassionate people we’d want to help us in our life’s struggles, amen.

NB – The hyperlinks (underlined words) contains the links to the full verses I’m referring to. Please click on them 🙏

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Friendship with God: love and Obedience

Hello, my lovelies 😍

A few weeks ago, I heard a preach (sermon) at my church. It was on friendship with God. I thought I knew where it was headed, but something caught my attention.

The speaker was highlighting the importance of obedience in friendship with God, and that’s what this post is based on.

I was raised in church, and my dad is particularly big on obedience being very important, so I’ve had it drummed into me about obeying God. There are many Scriptures which back this up e.g. ‭1 Samuel 15:22.

As I’ve grown in church, there has also been this concept of friendship with God. I think because of the expression of church (charismatic) that I participate in and the part of the world that I’m in, I have internalised a specific idea of what friendship with God looks like.

When I think of what friendship is, I think of warm, fuzzy feelings, a best friend who I can tell all my secrets, who can support me when I’m weak and who can share my joys. I think of commitment. I think of someone on my level (so to speak) who I have banter with and can joke with, etc. I have us both on the same level essentially, even with older friends whose age difference and experience I respect.
When I apply some of these ideas to my friendship with God, they don’t translate perfectly. While God is closer than anyone can be and wants to know my deepest desires and have real intimacy with me, we are not on the same level. I can’t bring God down to my level. He is my friend, yes, but before he is my friend, he is God Almighty. My friendship with him should not bring irreverence. My friendship with God should not detract from the awe and fear that his presence commands. Familiarity should not blind me to the fullness of who God is.

I have never thought of obedience in the context of friendship. Because I’ve thought of being on the same level as my friends, I don’t see obedience as something integral to the relationship. However, with God, obedience is essential, regardless of what lens or perspective through which im viewing our relationship. I was ‭struck by the simplicity of John 14:15 in stating how interwoven love (read friendship) and obedience are.

I can’t claim to love God if I don’t obey his commands.

Command – This suggests that God’s words are not merely the suggestions of a friend that you can take or leave. They are not optional extras that have no bearing on the integrity of the relationship. Actions speak louder than words, and here, God is saying that if you truly love me and value our relationship, you’ll do what I say. When it’s easy, when you get it, when it seems unclear or even dangerous. If my love was measured by my obedience to God, how would I fare? Would I measure up? Am I doing the barest minmum? Am I just coasting along? Am I being intentional and seeking out what he says? Am I being faithful with what he’s told me to do?

[Disclaimer – there’s always more depth to be attained in my love for God, and I could never match his love. That’s not the intention. The idea is this, based on what I am capable of doing, how much am I doing?]

I need to re-examine my relationship through this lens and ensure that I am living a life of obedience to God.

Doing things for God (aka service or sacrifice) is great. It is encouraged. But doing what God has asked you to do (obedience) is a higher priority. If you obey, you will surely be sacrificing as well. A lot of what God asks us to do requires sacrifice, but the issue is that sometimes we want to choose what we should sacrifice instead of what he requires us to sacrifice.

If you would like to watch the sermon that inspired this post, click the link below 👇🏾

I’ll leave you with a beautiful hymn that I grew up listening to

Posted on by Sinmi 2

The “C” Word …

Hey guys 🙂

Thank you for all the lovely feedback and engagement from my last post. It meant a lot to me ♥️

Today is all about closure.

What is closure?
For me, having closure about something is being able to resolve that issue and move past it, having learnt what led to the outcome and perhaps how to mitigate that outcome in future. The Cambridge dictionary isn’t far off and defines closure as “the feeling or act of bringing an unpleasant situation, time, or experience to an end, so that you are able to start new activities”.

Many a times when there is a break down in a relationship, usually romantic, (but applies to all sorts of relationships,) people look for closure and some people would go to any length to get this closure. The ideal of having closure seems synonymous to healing; being able to move past the situation and progress onto other things.

A few months ago my relationship ended and I have had many internal conversations with myself regarding several aspects of my relationship and trying to understand why certain  things happened. Many times I have convinced myself that I need closure and that could only be gotten by having a discussion with my ex. However I’ve never really made it to that discussion… yet.

I have had discussions with friends (male and female) regarding this need for closure. The conversations have been different. My female friends are generally more encouraging to pursue closure if I feel that would help me understand things and perhaps be able to file my experiences away and move on.

My male friends were more likely to discourage me from actively seeking a discussion as a means of getting closure. They raised points such as the futility of this conversation in changing past occurrences and also whether it might be beneficial or detrimental to myself or my ex.

To be very honest I have struggled with the idea of needing closure. I thought it was an essential part of my healing/recovery journey. It’s important to note that I didn’t have a nasty break up. Things were very civil and cordial and if I’m very honest with myself, it wasn’t all that much of a shock. However I still felt there was something to be gained by having a conversation post-breakup.

I now wonder whether having closure is overrated and potentially more detrimental to one’s emotional wellbeing. Or is it more a case of how that closure is obtained? Does closure need to involve a discussion or debrief of sorts with the other involved party(ies)? Can I obtain closure by my own internal conversations and perhaps discussions with friends for a more objective assessment?
When is the best time to try to obtain closure?
Does it matter who does the breaking up? So for example if I broke up with my ex would I still have that need for closure or would I have had a good think about things before broaching the break-up discussion?

I think I am currently at the point where I do have closure. I have come about this process by doing a lot of introspection, pouring my heart out to God, talking to loved ones. Are there questions I probably would love answering? Yes. Are they make or break? No. Can I do without them? Definitely. I can genuinely say I am happy and content with where I am. Could that change at some point? Possibly but I don’t think I would be initiating a discussion with my ex. I think I’ve come this far and I am at peace so best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Sometimes when a relationship ends it can be very traumatic and people can feel broken and disillusioned. In that frame of mind, it can be difficult to see through the haze of pain and tears to try and unpack the events which have occurred. On the other hand, when the initial sting of the trauma is gone or ebbing, it might feel like a step backwards to start rehashing what went wrong and trying to make sense of things especially if things were ended in a bad way.

I say all this to ask what do you think closure is?
Do you think it’s overrated?
In your experience, have you found closure helpful following a relationship breakdown?

What are your thoughts?

Posted on by Sinmi 4

Love is …

Hey fam bam 😊😊


It has been a minute and a half hahaha! I have been lazy and just absent. I am going to try to be more consistent. I’ve got an accountability buddy so here’s to hoping.

 I’m going to be writing about love. Love is one of the most used words in our culture today. We love that shoe, that dress, that show, and the list goes on. Needless to say, love means different things to different people and in different contexts too.

A popular school of thought is “love is a decision/ choice/ action”. That’s not wrong but I’ve recently experienced stirrings in my heart that I did not consciously choose which caused me to rethink my stance on that school of thought. I think it’s a valid point but I don’t think its captures the full scope of love but I suppose that’s a big ask. Perhaps no one school of thought can fully explain or describe what love is.

I’m going to be discussing love from the romantic angle. That’s my context. I think love is a journey. It unfolds in phases.


The first phase is the recognition that you’re feeling some type of way about someone. These feelings can creep up on you and you ask yourself when did I start feeling this way about person A. Why do I smile when I think of them? Why is it that I can’t wait to see them again? If you decide to explore or rather submit yourself to love, then things move into the next phase.

The honeymoon phase – during this phase your (official or unofficial) partner can do no wrong. The sun shines out of them. You just can’t get enough of them. Every minute without them is spent waiting for the next time you see them. I remember thinking I’ve just spent the whole day with this guy so why do I miss him already? 😢 😔 These feelings can be so strong that the ferocity of it can be surprising.


I thinks there’s another stage here. I don’t know what it’s called but it’s the “in between” stage when the dust is settling but you’re still quite excited by this person. 

Decision-making phase- the flames are no longer jumping to the sky and the fuel has settled. Now things are in a steady state. You still love this person and want to spend time with them  but it’s not all consuming. There’s a steady comfort in knowing this person is yours. Your own tribe and cheerleader. Your forever 💛…

It is at this stage that love becomes more than a feeling. It becomes a daily choice. You choose this person when they’re being annoying and when they being amazing. You choose them when its hard to forgive and when you’re full of warm, gooey feelings. You choose when you’ve had a hard day at work and when you’re on a baecation. You choose them when reality sets in and things can feel mundane. Sometimes when we’re at this stage, its easy to question whether you really love this person because your love has changed its expression, its form.

Embrace your love whatever stage it is at. Don’t get complacent. Be intentional about making things special, making them feel special, connecting deeply, having a laugh. Check in with your partner regularly – are they happy? Is there something they’d like to work on? Is there something they would like to see more or less of?

Love is a beautiful thing ❤ It changes you positively … if you let it.

Posted on by Sinmi 0

Reveal-ution

Hello, hello. Happy St. Valentine’s Day to you all. I hope you are having a lovely day. I’m not going to put out a sappy, sweet message today. heartIf you’re single like myself, please try not to be miserable. Treat yourself. Have a nice time with a friend or phone a friend you’ve not spoken to in a while.

Anyway today’s post is going to be me having a good old winge 🤣🤣 about guys! The post is about is a method of identifying guys who are not available. Let me paint you a picture based on one of my experiences.

minding-my-business

One day I was minding my business in church when someone caught my eye, a tall and handsome guy. I thought he looked a bit of alright. He looked like a nice person but I didn’t know anything about him. I didn’t even know his name! I kept seeing him in church, kept smiling internally. It wasn’t a full blown crush just a “hmm wont this be nice?”. Anyway being the shy, conservative gal that I am, I could (would) not bring myself to “enquire” about him or even chat him up directly. I just thought if I ask anyone about him they’d think “why’s she asking about him”.

when-you-see-ur-crushRandomly one day I happened to sit next to him in church. We spoke a little and he seemed really nice up close. I managed to get his name, clever girl that I am 🤣 At least now I knew one thing about him! I wanted to find out more about him; my main question being is he single? I knew there was no point in me “catching feelings” or fancying somebody or even something as benign as somebody catching my eye if he’s taken. However, I never really got the courage to actively find out more about him, I was just hoping somehow our paths will cross again.

when-you-see-your-crush-is-in-relationship_fb_2239459Anyway I was randomly chatting to a friend in church and it just kind of came out mid conversation that this my crush guy is getting married! What a wow! Not even like he had a girlfriend he is full on getting married! Of course I am happy for him but wawu! I’ve just wasted my “fancy” capacity on somebody who is not even available to be fancied (not that anyone sent me on this wild goose chase … still …).

think about it

I think that each party (boys and gals) deserve to know when when the other is unavailable. Now take girls for example, if a girl is a serious relationship is sometimes engaged and thus wears a ring. That’s a great big sign for the whole world to say she is off the market things. However for guys, there is no equivalent and that, my friends, is my bone of contention. A guy could be mere days to his wedding and a poor girl might see him, fancies him and starts developing feelings for him and she’s none the wiser. That guy gets married, has his happy little celebration and this little girl is still none the wiser until she sees his wedding band.

I think us girls need to rise up and protest this! There needs to be a revolution and its start now.

rant overOk, so that is my rant over phew 😢🤤 So then what should be the universal (not too much to ask right 🤣🤣) that people should give each other. It needs to be a symbol or something that indicates that the person in question is off the market (at least at that point in time).
Some people might say that’s us younguns being extra. I mean you could always talk to the person or rely on the guy talking to people about his girlfriend/fiance (and vice versa).

So this is a challenge for the girls and guys out there if you’re engaged to somebody please make it known get a tattoo on your forehead.

Please drop your suggestions the comment section. Has anyone ever had this experience or is it just me? 🤔🤦🏽‍♀️ Please share in the comment section 😍
Thank you and God bless.

Posted on by Sinmi 9

Charity begins at home

 

I love God
I’m devoted to him
Wholeheartedly
Anything I’ll do for him
Anything.

I feed the hungry
Help the needy
Carry the burdens of brethren
Visit from home to home
Making sure everyone is okay
Well, everyone except my family
They by default have to be okay.

Being there for them
There with them
That can wait
Ranks low on my hierarchy of important things
Because they are strong.

My wife knows I love her
Sometimes I remember to tell her
But I’m busy with the work of God,
Raising funds for the women’s conference
Doing good deeds
She understands
Surely she does.

My kids
I constantly pray for them
They’ll make it through alright
God will watch over them for me
I’ve got my hands full dealing with His children.

My parents
I know they’re proud of me
They understand why I’ve not called in months
I’m sure they love the house I built them
Never mind I’ve only been there once
On and on the excuses go
Bolstered by an erroneous sense of being indispensable.

If we fail in loving those around us
Those closest to us
How can we effectively love others?
Love by doing
Love by being

Talk is cheap
Your façade won’t last forever
It’ll come crumbling like a pack of cards
Sooner or later
Your family won’t be there forever
Their patience and love aren’t limitless
Don’t be too busy to love those around you.

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Posted on by Sinmi 7