Tag: relationships

Intentions are overrated but sometimes that’s all you’ve got!

1 Corinthians 4:4-5 AMPC
[4]  I am not conscious of anything against myself, and I feel blameless; but I am not vindicated and acquitted before God on that account. It is the Lord [Himself] Who examines and judges me. [5]  So do not make any hasty or premature judgments before the time when the Lord comes [again], for He will both bring to light the secret things that are [now hidden] in darkness and disclose and expose the [secret] aims (motives and purposes) of hearts. Then every man will receive his [due] commendation from God.

A few weeks ago I did a “good deed”. I got someone something and subconsciously thought they’d message me to say thank you. Towards the end of the day, I realised they’d not reached out and I was disappointed. That took me by surprise because I didn’t realise how much I’d taken for granted the “thank you” after a good deed. This made me search my heart. Was my good deed motivated by receiving gratitude in return; so a trade by barter of sorts? This made me feel uncomfortable and started my ruminations on intentions. I began to think (good) intentions might be overrated. There are many times I’ve had good intentions which have not translated into any action and other times they have been misshapen in their execution.

It’s clear that bad intentions followed by bad actions are bad. I hope we can agree on that  👀

Matthew 22:18 AMPC
[18]  But Jesus, aware of their malicious plot, asked, Why do you put Me to the test and try to entrap Me, you pretenders (hypocrites)?

By the same token, good intentions followed by good actions are good 👍

Good intentions followed by poor decisions are 🤷🏽‍♀

Proverbs 16:2 AMPC
All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart).

David had good intentions to build a house for God and yet God could not accept the house because David had shed a lot of blood as part of his numerous battles. He didn’t make a poor decision here, the decision was made for him. And yet, David still made a lot of provision for the house to be built, although he could not do it himself, he still made sure he was a part of the process.

1 Kings 8:18-19 AMPC
[18]  And the Lord said to David my father, Whereas it was in your heart to build a house for My Name, you did well that it was in your heart. [19]  Yet you shall not build the house, but your son, who shall be born to you, shall build it to My Name [and My actively present Person].

Good intentions are good and desirable. They can help to foster good actions out of their abundance in our hearts. However, with the best of intentions, we still get things wrong and these intentions do not absolve us of responsibility or consequences that occur as a result of our actual actions. Good intentions cannot erase the pain caused by actions which have not been well-received. If I accidentally push someone over, by being overenthusiastic in my greeting, and they break their arm, my good intentions will not make their pain any less.

This is hard to grapple with because sometimes we want our good intentions coupled with our “sorry” to be enough but it doesn’t always cut it. Sometimes we need to give people time and space to process what happened and not try to force them to forgive us because we said sorry. We need to ensure we’re not gaslighting people as well, making them feel bad for nothing they’ve done but intentions we haven’t executed well.

I know in my relationships, often my good intentions do not end how I imagined, sometimes due to procrastination, other times just poor execution, not thinking about what the other person prefers or needs. Sometimes, I feel like my “sorry” although heartfelt is hollow, insufficient, like a plaster over a gaping wound and I’m not sure what to do.

I do say sorry and sometimes I overcompensate for my actions. I think what’s more healthy is exploring first with myself where things went wrong and how this can be prevented in the future. Also, speaking to the person in question to see their perspective and their preferences. Those are important steps to take in ensuring good intentions translate to good, well-received actions.

Let’s pray together
Lord, I thank you because you are a merciful father. You see the contents and intents of my heart and love me anyway. How wonderful you are! Lord you know I’ve gotten it right sometimes and other times I’ve missed the mark. I’m sorry for the times I’ve assumed my sorry was enough to fix things. Lord, please give me a heart that is introspective and teachable. Help me with procrastination and other barriers to executing my good intentions well. Grant me wisdom when I’m stuck. Holy Spirit I thank you because you are my teacher, and I receive your help in this area.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Part 3: What’s love got to do with it

Do we desire unconditional love? Of course, we do.
But there is only one love that can truly satisfy our deepest longings.
We expect people to love us perfectly;
But we struggle to love ourselves perfectly, how much more extend that love to others.
It’s not wrong to expect someone who professes to love you to love you well.
It is not enough for them to say “That’s how I am”.
The way you are can change.

We should be humble enough to receive the feedback and insight from others about our blind spots;
So we can grow and strengthen the weak areas.
We are ALL on this journey.
So we need to deal with each other gracefully.

It will take time and effort but if love is truly involved, the effort will be made.

While the effort is being made, be grateful.

Extend the grace you would wish to receive yourself.

Lasting change is not instantaneous.

Encourage and water the seeds.

Cover the multitude of sins

And see how that love blooms

Love is a doing word, a verb. So what do you do when something hasn’t gone well in a relationship? Let me remind you that I’m not an expert. I don’t have it figured out. I am trying to live this out, same as you and sharing my musings as I go along.

Speaking out in relationships/about life issues

When you’re not happy about something (in a relationship)
And you don’t speak out, the issue doesn’t disappear, it festers
It might not be at the surface but it is releasing poisonous gases into you
As you compress the volume of unresolved emotions, pressure increases within you (like in Boyle’s law).
The more you say I’m fine while dying inside,
The more you build that pressure.
A tiny spark changes the temperature and causes things to ramp up (like in Charles law, this increases the volume of those emotions ) [you didn’t know you were gonna get a chemistry lesson right? Haha 😝 ]
One day there will be an implosion or an explosion;
And people, maybe even including you, will be shocked.
They’ll say but (s)he was fine.
What happened?
Where did this come from?
It came from all the anger and hurt that was suppressed.

If there is no one you can talk to, there is always the One, your Father God who sees and knows ALL the angles of this situation,
Talk to him.
Cry, moan, scream, write, do whatever you need to do to vent;
But create an outlet for your pain that is not destructive to you or others.
The One will bring someone into your life, either directly, through books, sermons, what have you;
Someone who will walk with you through the hardship.
If there is a person involved in the pain, after talking to God about it, try to talk to the person as calmly as you can.
Write down what you want to say if you think it’ll be too hard to verbalise.
As much as it lies with you, try to make peace with this person.
Manage your expectations.
If the peace is not forthcoming, go back to the Prince of Peace.
Ask for the next steps.
Be obedient.

To tie it all together, over the last few months, I’ve talked about our very valid, deep desire to be loved unconditionally. We can only receive this type of love from God and we aspire to love others like he loves us.

We also have a need to feel psychologically safe in our relationships, with God, ourselves and others. Fear is a major barrier to safety but when we know that we have a kind God who believes the best about us and is unmovable, we can allow ourselves to relax into his love and experience the transformation he gives as we bring our real, unfiltered selves.

We are all on the journey of learning to love unconditionally. Journey signifies movement and action. There must be a desire to change coupled with actions taken to recognise where we are, receive feedback, have honest conversations and work with God, ourselves and our loved ones to live out that change.
Let us be gracious towards one another because change is hard and we will make mistakes along the way.

If you missed the first two posts in this series, I would recommend reading them to understand the context of this post.

I would love to know how you’ve found this short series and what your thoughts are on the things I’ve written about. I pray it has blessed you and made you pause to think about yourself and your love life.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for all you have revealed over these three months. We are grateful that you continually call us higher, to be more like you. Lord, in and of ourselves, we can’t do it and so we ask for your help. Forgive us for the times we have missed the mark and soften our hearts so we are truly repentant and contrite. Help us to be brave enough to look inward at the places where we are not doing well. Help us to be humble enough to listen when we are corrected and given feedback even when it hurts and we feel justified or misunderstood. Remind us that perfect love casts out fear and that you have no part in fear. You chose us knowing all our flaws and have promised that nothing can separate us from your love, so help us to stand firm in that knowledge. Let it sink into the deepest parts of our psyche and silence the lies of the enemy. Help us to be kind and gracious in the way we broach difficult conversations so that our relationships can deepen and flourish. Lord increase our capacity to receive the love you lavish on us and increase our capacity to give from the bounty we have received, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

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Part Two

Hello lovelies 😊😊 I’m sorry my post is a day late 😔 I want to be a queen that’s on time.

A few months ago, someone asked me, “what do you think of when you think of godly friendship?”. The word that kept coming to me was “psychological safety”. Obviously, this is reductionist in the sense that a single word can not capture the full breadth of friendship, but for me, that was the word that stuck in my mind. Since then, I’ve been pondering psychological safety, and really, I think it’s a continuation of a thought process or discussion God has been having with me.

Psychological safety is a phrase commonly used in the business world and workplace to describe the feeling of being able to speak up without fear of criticism and exclusion. This concept also applies to relationships on all levels, but in those circles it’s often called emotional safety. Because the term psychological safety is what stuck in my mind, I’m using it for the purposes of this post.

The importance of safety in relationships cannot be overemphasised. Without safety, the relationship’s depth is stunted. My relationship with God, with myself, and with others, all require a measure of psychological safety. We all have an innate need for safety and security and we seek to meet that. Sometimes, we even go to extreme lengths to meet that need. Often times, we downplay the importance of this need or perhaps are oblivious to it and how it affects our relationships.

The bible repeatedly paints a picture of a God who is a safe space for us. For example,

Proverbs 18:10 AMP  “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs to it and is safe and set on high [far above evil].”

A major obstacle to building psychological safety is fear. Fear of rejection, of not measuring up, of not belonging, fear of punishment. At times, we might think this safety (from the verse above) only refers to safety from physical danger but physical danger is not the only form of danger out there, coming against us. The weapons vary and psychological danger is very much a weapon. Whether it is real (in an externally validated way) or it’s perceived (internally), it’s still real to the person experiencing it and requires a solution.

Until we attain a measure of psychological safety within our relationships, we will be stunted versions of ourselves.

We might be doing well, and people think we are absolutely smashing it, but in reality, that could be a fraction of what we have the potential for. We were called to live life abundantly. That’s what our saviour died for. He didn’t die for us to merely be “okay”. He doesn’t measure us up against the standards we set for ourselves but against the potential he has placed in us. The applause of man is not the applause of God. Yes, he is happy for every step you take and the progress you make but he yearns for you, for me, to truly see all that he has planned for us; to broaden our minds to match up with his vision for us.

Another command and encouragement we see repeated throughout the bible is “Do not fear”. Fear limits. It limits the attainment of our goals and limits the enjoyment of those goals, of life itself.

I believe love is the answer to psychological safety. Not the theoretical love we know but that which resides in our hearts and has trickled down into our unconscious world. The love that casts out fear, that pure love of God. When we truly know in our knower (a deep, intuitive gut sense) that we are loved, we know that we can be safe.

1 John 4:16 AMP: We have come to know [by personal observation and experience], and have believed [with deep, consistent faith] the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides continually in him.

Let’s look together at 1 Corinthian 13.

“Love is patient and kind” – when we know and experience this love which doesn’t say “This is your third strike and you’re out”, it’s easier to own up to our faults and mistakes. It’s easier to bring things to the light, which we would rather remained hidden. When we know that we have a kind God, who doesn’t tut at us and treat us with disdain because of our flaws, we are more likely to let him in on all the things he already knew about us before the beginning of the world. It’s not that God doesn’t know these things, but he wants us to trust him with them.

“Love does not demand its own way” – the love of God compels us to obey his will. He does not demand it. He gives us a choice and advises us to choose obedience and choose life.

2 Corinthians 5:14a AMP “For the love of Christ controls and compels us”

“Love keeps no record of being wronged.” Our God doesn’t say “Wow again? I thought you said sorry for this yesterday and swore blind you’d never do it again”. When we repent, he is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us of unrighteousness. He remembers our sin no more. This is not a “get-out-of-jail card”.

Romans 6:1-2 AMP “What shall we say [to all this]? Should we continue in sin and practice sin as a habit so that [God’s gift of] grace may increase and overflow? Certainly not! How can we, the very ones who died to sin, continue to live in it any longer?”

We sin and fall short constantly, but (hopefully) not because we are unmindful or uncaring about his sacrifice for us. The more we experience his love, the less we want to hurt him by our actions and inactions. The more we experience his love, the more we seek to do his commands. Having a “free pass” mentality of God’s grace is evidence that his love has not been fully formed in us.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance”. His love never gives up on us. When you know that you have a solid rock who is going nowhere, there’s safety in knowing you can keep coming back. He’s not going to lose faith. He hopes the best and believes the best about you. He endures through everything you put him through and still has his arm open wide to fetch you back to his side.

1 Corinthians 13:8b NLT But love will last forever!

Now this is obviously the love of God which we (should) all aspire to practise in our own lives. God’s love is the perfect template of love. He is love personified. Intellectual knowledge of God’s love, as majestic and marvellous as it is, does not guarantee me psychological safety. I have to experience it on a heart level.

Through his sacrificial love, Christ gave us the opportunity and privilege of belonging to his family as children of God. We have been adopted into the household of faith and we have a seat at the table. We are welcome into God’s presence to develop intimacy with him, father to child. In our father’s house, we will never be rejected or asked to leave. We can always be assured of our place and because of that, we have safety to be ourselves. We can come as we are, with our flaws and graces, knowing that he will lovingly transform us into the people he called us to be. His love accepts our present state but loves us too much to leave us as we are. He calls us to partner with him to fulfil our potential; without fear of failure, abandonment, or rejection.

Dear Lord, I thank you because the entrance of your word brings light and illuminates things that were previously hidden. Lord, there have been times I haven’t felt safe to express how I feel to myself, to others, and most importantly to you. I know that you won’t judge me, but a part of me still fears what your reaction might be to my flaws and the parts of me I don’t like. I know you love me deeply, and perfectly, and your love casts out fear. Lord, I ask that you fill me with a greater measure of your love, experientially, such that there is no space for fear to remain in me. I am very grateful that I’ve been adopted into your family, and that I belong here with you. Your love will never give up on me. Thank you, Lord. I love you, amen

Posted on by Sinmi 2

What’s love got to do with it …

Hello my lovelies 💓 💖

I hope May had been good to you and you’ve had some public holidays to rest up.

I’m doing a 3-part series on this blog over the next 3 months. It’s titled “What’s love got to do with it”. I hope you enjoy it.

Do we desire unconditional love?
Of course we do;
We were built to seek and receive love.
There is only One person who can love you unconditionally.
I hate to break it to you
But it ain’t your man or your woman,
It ain’t your mama or your pops,
It definitely ain’t your friend or your siblings.
Only God, the One who is Love personified can truly love you unconditionally!
Human beings may try to love you unconditionally,
But it is a process.

The people who love you are not being wicked by not loving you perfectly,
By being conditional in their love, consciously or unconsciously,
They most likely have good intentions.
The issue is that they are flawed;
Just like you are, just like I am
For all their good intentions, they will make mistakes.
So, when you expect standards only God can attain from people,
You can be sure you’ll be disappointed.
When that disappointment occurs repeatedly, it can lead to frustration
And with enough time that leads to anger.
Anger can express itself outwardly or inwardly and lead to separation.

1 Peter 4:8 says above all, most importantly, love each other deeply …
Above ALL
Above all the irritations
Above all the imperfections
Above all the repetitions of the same mistakes
Above all the pain they have caused you
Above all the disappointments

[A quick caveat here to say I am NOT talking about abusive relationships
Abuse is not compatible with life and I don’t just mean physical abuse
Abuse kills something in you, every time]
Above all, love each other deeply

… Because love covers a multitude of sins
Multitude is a whole lot
You can’t count it.
…. Of sins
That seventy times seven type of forgiveness
Is a requirement for this kind of love.
It is not easy,
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It is very hard,
But we are called to love deeply,
To increase our capacity to love others.

Out of the overflow that we receive from the love that our Lord and our Father both lavish upon us,
We can love each other deeply.
Our love can increase in capacity such that it stretches to cover the multitude of sins.
To cover something, you have to acknowledge that it is there.
You can’t cover nothing.
You can’t ignore something on one hand and confront it on the other hand.
The love we are called to is not one that pretends.
You can only pretend for so long
And build resentment
Till an explosion happens.

Love confronts issues with grace and kindness
Love confronts issues, prepared to forgive, whether the person is sorry or not;
Whether the person recognises the error of their ways (as you perceive it) or not;
Whether the person has an appreciation for the hurt they caused or not;
Love confronts because the alternative is a gradual death of that love.
Issues that are not confronted become poison.
Some poisons don’t kill you immediately;
Ask people with asbestosis.
It causes damage slowly until one day you can’t breathe.

I’m not saying any of these things because I’ve mastered it. I’m also trying to live out this truth as I’m discovering it.

It is wise for us to realise on a mind-level but more importantly on a heart-level that while we can desire for people to love us, we are all on the journey of learning to love like God and often times we won’t get it right but we keep trying and growing closer to that day by day.

Lord I thank you because you model for us what love should look like. You loved us before we loved you or even acknowledged you. You desired that this love should be a mark of how people recognise us as your children, by how we love each other. Lord we do try to love each other but we don’t always get it right. We’re sorry for the times we’ve let our flaws and our pride get in the way. Please forgive us. We don’t want to keep going round in circles, making the same mistakes. Lord increase our capacity to receive your love. Let your love saturate our hearts. Out of the abundance of your love, help us to love each other deeply. Help us to forgive each other and let our love stretch enough to cover a multitude of sins and wrongdoings. Lord we desperately need your help, in your mercy will you come to our aid, in Jesus name, amen.

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Defense mechanisms

Hello my loves

How has February been for you?

Disclaimer – This is quite a long post, so get strapped in. Get yourself a drink or snack. Yeah, treat yourself. You might need it as you read 😆

As you guessed, I want to talk on defense mechanisms today, but probably not in the way you think. Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways in which we protect ourselves from intense emotional stressors such as fear, distress, pain, etc. The stressor might be internal or external. They essentially aim to avoid unpleasant emotions, but they’re often problematic because they leave the actual issue unaddressed and unresolved.

Defense mechanisms affect all our relationships. In my training as a psychiatrist, I’ve learnt about defense mechanisms, but I’ve never thought of them in relation to my relationship with God. A few months ago, I stumbled on an article which was talking about attachment styles (maybe I’ll talk on that someday) and how that (can) relate(s) to our relationship with God and that really got me thinking. So when out of the blues I was thinking of defense mechanisms in relation to God, I was quite excited to think about it more and see what others think. There’s not a lot out there (that I’ve found) on defense mechanisms in relation to our relationship with God, so these are my fresh thoughts. They may be refined over time 😉

Defense mechanisms can be categorised into immature, neurotic (anxiety) and mature. There’s a fourth one that’s sometimes included called pathological or narcissistic (sometimes these are grouped with immature defenses). There are many defense mechanisms, but I won’t touch on all of them. I’ll take at least one from each category to illustrate my point.

Pathological defenses
Some examples are projection, denial, and splitting.
For example, splitting means having two extremes of opinion or feeling about something. For example, based on what’s happening in my life, I might think God is either good or bad. If I feel God is bad, I naturally withdraw from Him. Truth is, He is always good even when life is not good. He remains faithful when we are faithless. His mercies never cease. They are refreshed daily, whether it feels that way or not.

Immature defenses
Some examples are acting out, passive-aggression, and fantasising.
With passive aggression, there is a silent hostility where one is generally uncooperative. For example, I feel God hasn’t answered my prayer about something, so I won’t do what He asks me to do but might pretend I don’t understand the instruction. Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. He is compassionate towards us, but we have a God from whom we can not hide. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.

Neurotic defenses
Some examples are displacement, intellectualisation, and reaction formation.
Intellectualisation sounds like a good one, but it’s not all it’s cracked to be. This is one I’m guilty of. Lord, help me. Essentially, it’s creating distance from unpleasant emotions by hyperfocusing on facts. Instead of taking a painful experience to God, I fill the space with facts about God’s nature (e.g., his goodness) but not in a way that helps me actually engage with that nature.

Mature defenses
Some examples are suppression, humour, and sublimation.
With humour, you express difficult feelings in a light-hearted way. For example, God is taking me through a tough time, and I joke about how he’s trying to kill me (my flesh). Brother James must have known something about this from what he said in his book (James 1:2-4) 😆 but really, joy is not the same as humour.

So, tying it all together, I’m not saying this absolutely fits, but it can be helpful for us to use this to examine or reflect on some of our responses to God. If you notice similar responses to situations with people, then … you know, maybe you should spend some time thinking about it and taking it to God in prayer.

I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know this won’t appeal to some people at all, and that’s okay. We all approach things in different ways. Be blessed as I end with a prayer.

Lord, we thank you because you’re the omniscient God. You know everything about everything, Lord, and that blows my mind. I thank you that you see the maladaptive ways in which we deal with things and relationships and how that affects our relationship with you as well. Whatever we  choose to call it, these issues are present and prevent us from healing and experiencing full freedom and intimacy with you. Lord, we ask that you expose these areas in our lives and help us bring them to you so we can be freed from them and work through them together. Strengthen us, Lord, to face these parts of ourselves that we sometimes like to ignore (denial 😉) and help us to open ourselves to your work in us. Amen.

References
Images from @thebraincoach

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Love is …

Hey fam bam 😊😊


It has been a minute and a half hahaha! I have been lazy and just absent. I am going to try to be more consistent. I’ve got an accountability buddy so here’s to hoping.

 I’m going to be writing about love. Love is one of the most used words in our culture today. We love that shoe, that dress, that show, and the list goes on. Needless to say, love means different things to different people and in different contexts too.

A popular school of thought is “love is a decision/ choice/ action”. That’s not wrong but I’ve recently experienced stirrings in my heart that I did not consciously choose which caused me to rethink my stance on that school of thought. I think it’s a valid point but I don’t think its captures the full scope of love but I suppose that’s a big ask. Perhaps no one school of thought can fully explain or describe what love is.

I’m going to be discussing love from the romantic angle. That’s my context. I think love is a journey. It unfolds in phases.


The first phase is the recognition that you’re feeling some type of way about someone. These feelings can creep up on you and you ask yourself when did I start feeling this way about person A. Why do I smile when I think of them? Why is it that I can’t wait to see them again? If you decide to explore or rather submit yourself to love, then things move into the next phase.

The honeymoon phase – during this phase your (official or unofficial) partner can do no wrong. The sun shines out of them. You just can’t get enough of them. Every minute without them is spent waiting for the next time you see them. I remember thinking I’ve just spent the whole day with this guy so why do I miss him already? 😢 😔 These feelings can be so strong that the ferocity of it can be surprising.


I thinks there’s another stage here. I don’t know what it’s called but it’s the “in between” stage when the dust is settling but you’re still quite excited by this person. 

Decision-making phase- the flames are no longer jumping to the sky and the fuel has settled. Now things are in a steady state. You still love this person and want to spend time with them  but it’s not all consuming. There’s a steady comfort in knowing this person is yours. Your own tribe and cheerleader. Your forever 💛…

It is at this stage that love becomes more than a feeling. It becomes a daily choice. You choose this person when they’re being annoying and when they being amazing. You choose them when its hard to forgive and when you’re full of warm, gooey feelings. You choose when you’ve had a hard day at work and when you’re on a baecation. You choose them when reality sets in and things can feel mundane. Sometimes when we’re at this stage, its easy to question whether you really love this person because your love has changed its expression, its form.

Embrace your love whatever stage it is at. Don’t get complacent. Be intentional about making things special, making them feel special, connecting deeply, having a laugh. Check in with your partner regularly – are they happy? Is there something they’d like to work on? Is there something they would like to see more or less of?

Love is a beautiful thing ❤ It changes you positively … if you let it.

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