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Intentions are overrated but sometimes that’s all you’ve got!

1 Corinthians 4:4-5 AMPC
[4]  I am not conscious of anything against myself, and I feel blameless; but I am not vindicated and acquitted before God on that account. It is the Lord [Himself] Who examines and judges me. [5]  So do not make any hasty or premature judgments before the time when the Lord comes [again], for He will both bring to light the secret things that are [now hidden] in darkness and disclose and expose the [secret] aims (motives and purposes) of hearts. Then every man will receive his [due] commendation from God.

A few weeks ago I did a “good deed”. I got someone something and subconsciously thought they’d message me to say thank you. Towards the end of the day, I realised they’d not reached out and I was disappointed. That took me by surprise because I didn’t realise how much I’d taken for granted the “thank you” after a good deed. This made me search my heart. Was my good deed motivated by receiving gratitude in return; so a trade by barter of sorts? This made me feel uncomfortable and started my ruminations on intentions. I began to think (good) intentions might be overrated. There are many times I’ve had good intentions which have not translated into any action and other times they have been misshapen in their execution.

It’s clear that bad intentions followed by bad actions are bad. I hope we can agree on that  👀

Matthew 22:18 AMPC
[18]  But Jesus, aware of their malicious plot, asked, Why do you put Me to the test and try to entrap Me, you pretenders (hypocrites)?

By the same token, good intentions followed by good actions are good 👍

Good intentions followed by poor decisions are 🤷🏽‍♀

Proverbs 16:2 AMPC
All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirits (the thoughts and intents of the heart).

David had good intentions to build a house for God and yet God could not accept the house because David had shed a lot of blood as part of his numerous battles. He didn’t make a poor decision here, the decision was made for him. And yet, David still made a lot of provision for the house to be built, although he could not do it himself, he still made sure he was a part of the process.

1 Kings 8:18-19 AMPC
[18]  And the Lord said to David my father, Whereas it was in your heart to build a house for My Name, you did well that it was in your heart. [19]  Yet you shall not build the house, but your son, who shall be born to you, shall build it to My Name [and My actively present Person].

Good intentions are good and desirable. They can help to foster good actions out of their abundance in our hearts. However, with the best of intentions, we still get things wrong and these intentions do not absolve us of responsibility or consequences that occur as a result of our actual actions. Good intentions cannot erase the pain caused by actions which have not been well-received. If I accidentally push someone over, by being overenthusiastic in my greeting, and they break their arm, my good intentions will not make their pain any less.

This is hard to grapple with because sometimes we want our good intentions coupled with our “sorry” to be enough but it doesn’t always cut it. Sometimes we need to give people time and space to process what happened and not try to force them to forgive us because we said sorry. We need to ensure we’re not gaslighting people as well, making them feel bad for nothing they’ve done but intentions we haven’t executed well.

I know in my relationships, often my good intentions do not end how I imagined, sometimes due to procrastination, other times just poor execution, not thinking about what the other person prefers or needs. Sometimes, I feel like my “sorry” although heartfelt is hollow, insufficient, like a plaster over a gaping wound and I’m not sure what to do.

I do say sorry and sometimes I overcompensate for my actions. I think what’s more healthy is exploring first with myself where things went wrong and how this can be prevented in the future. Also, speaking to the person in question to see their perspective and their preferences. Those are important steps to take in ensuring good intentions translate to good, well-received actions.

Let’s pray together
Lord, I thank you because you are a merciful father. You see the contents and intents of my heart and love me anyway. How wonderful you are! Lord you know I’ve gotten it right sometimes and other times I’ve missed the mark. I’m sorry for the times I’ve assumed my sorry was enough to fix things. Lord, please give me a heart that is introspective and teachable. Help me with procrastination and other barriers to executing my good intentions well. Grant me wisdom when I’m stuck. Holy Spirit I thank you because you are my teacher, and I receive your help in this area.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Part 3: What’s love got to do with it

Do we desire unconditional love? Of course, we do.
But there is only one love that can truly satisfy our deepest longings.
We expect people to love us perfectly;
But we struggle to love ourselves perfectly, how much more extend that love to others.
It’s not wrong to expect someone who professes to love you to love you well.
It is not enough for them to say “That’s how I am”.
The way you are can change.

We should be humble enough to receive the feedback and insight from others about our blind spots;
So we can grow and strengthen the weak areas.
We are ALL on this journey.
So we need to deal with each other gracefully.

It will take time and effort but if love is truly involved, the effort will be made.

While the effort is being made, be grateful.

Extend the grace you would wish to receive yourself.

Lasting change is not instantaneous.

Encourage and water the seeds.

Cover the multitude of sins

And see how that love blooms

Love is a doing word, a verb. So what do you do when something hasn’t gone well in a relationship? Let me remind you that I’m not an expert. I don’t have it figured out. I am trying to live this out, same as you and sharing my musings as I go along.

Speaking out in relationships/about life issues

When you’re not happy about something (in a relationship)
And you don’t speak out, the issue doesn’t disappear, it festers
It might not be at the surface but it is releasing poisonous gases into you
As you compress the volume of unresolved emotions, pressure increases within you (like in Boyle’s law).
The more you say I’m fine while dying inside,
The more you build that pressure.
A tiny spark changes the temperature and causes things to ramp up (like in Charles law, this increases the volume of those emotions ) [you didn’t know you were gonna get a chemistry lesson right? Haha 😝 ]
One day there will be an implosion or an explosion;
And people, maybe even including you, will be shocked.
They’ll say but (s)he was fine.
What happened?
Where did this come from?
It came from all the anger and hurt that was suppressed.

If there is no one you can talk to, there is always the One, your Father God who sees and knows ALL the angles of this situation,
Talk to him.
Cry, moan, scream, write, do whatever you need to do to vent;
But create an outlet for your pain that is not destructive to you or others.
The One will bring someone into your life, either directly, through books, sermons, what have you;
Someone who will walk with you through the hardship.
If there is a person involved in the pain, after talking to God about it, try to talk to the person as calmly as you can.
Write down what you want to say if you think it’ll be too hard to verbalise.
As much as it lies with you, try to make peace with this person.
Manage your expectations.
If the peace is not forthcoming, go back to the Prince of Peace.
Ask for the next steps.
Be obedient.

To tie it all together, over the last few months, I’ve talked about our very valid, deep desire to be loved unconditionally. We can only receive this type of love from God and we aspire to love others like he loves us.

We also have a need to feel psychologically safe in our relationships, with God, ourselves and others. Fear is a major barrier to safety but when we know that we have a kind God who believes the best about us and is unmovable, we can allow ourselves to relax into his love and experience the transformation he gives as we bring our real, unfiltered selves.

We are all on the journey of learning to love unconditionally. Journey signifies movement and action. There must be a desire to change coupled with actions taken to recognise where we are, receive feedback, have honest conversations and work with God, ourselves and our loved ones to live out that change.
Let us be gracious towards one another because change is hard and we will make mistakes along the way.

If you missed the first two posts in this series, I would recommend reading them to understand the context of this post.

I would love to know how you’ve found this short series and what your thoughts are on the things I’ve written about. I pray it has blessed you and made you pause to think about yourself and your love life.

Lord Jesus, we thank you for all you have revealed over these three months. We are grateful that you continually call us higher, to be more like you. Lord, in and of ourselves, we can’t do it and so we ask for your help. Forgive us for the times we have missed the mark and soften our hearts so we are truly repentant and contrite. Help us to be brave enough to look inward at the places where we are not doing well. Help us to be humble enough to listen when we are corrected and given feedback even when it hurts and we feel justified or misunderstood. Remind us that perfect love casts out fear and that you have no part in fear. You chose us knowing all our flaws and have promised that nothing can separate us from your love, so help us to stand firm in that knowledge. Let it sink into the deepest parts of our psyche and silence the lies of the enemy. Help us to be kind and gracious in the way we broach difficult conversations so that our relationships can deepen and flourish. Lord increase our capacity to receive the love you lavish on us and increase our capacity to give from the bounty we have received, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi Featured 5

Part Two

Hello lovelies 😊😊 I’m sorry my post is a day late 😔 I want to be a queen that’s on time.

A few months ago, someone asked me, “what do you think of when you think of godly friendship?”. The word that kept coming to me was “psychological safety”. Obviously, this is reductionist in the sense that a single word can not capture the full breadth of friendship, but for me, that was the word that stuck in my mind. Since then, I’ve been pondering psychological safety, and really, I think it’s a continuation of a thought process or discussion God has been having with me.

Psychological safety is a phrase commonly used in the business world and workplace to describe the feeling of being able to speak up without fear of criticism and exclusion. This concept also applies to relationships on all levels, but in those circles it’s often called emotional safety. Because the term psychological safety is what stuck in my mind, I’m using it for the purposes of this post.

The importance of safety in relationships cannot be overemphasised. Without safety, the relationship’s depth is stunted. My relationship with God, with myself, and with others, all require a measure of psychological safety. We all have an innate need for safety and security and we seek to meet that. Sometimes, we even go to extreme lengths to meet that need. Often times, we downplay the importance of this need or perhaps are oblivious to it and how it affects our relationships.

The bible repeatedly paints a picture of a God who is a safe space for us. For example,

Proverbs 18:10 AMP  “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs to it and is safe and set on high [far above evil].”

A major obstacle to building psychological safety is fear. Fear of rejection, of not measuring up, of not belonging, fear of punishment. At times, we might think this safety (from the verse above) only refers to safety from physical danger but physical danger is not the only form of danger out there, coming against us. The weapons vary and psychological danger is very much a weapon. Whether it is real (in an externally validated way) or it’s perceived (internally), it’s still real to the person experiencing it and requires a solution.

Until we attain a measure of psychological safety within our relationships, we will be stunted versions of ourselves.

We might be doing well, and people think we are absolutely smashing it, but in reality, that could be a fraction of what we have the potential for. We were called to live life abundantly. That’s what our saviour died for. He didn’t die for us to merely be “okay”. He doesn’t measure us up against the standards we set for ourselves but against the potential he has placed in us. The applause of man is not the applause of God. Yes, he is happy for every step you take and the progress you make but he yearns for you, for me, to truly see all that he has planned for us; to broaden our minds to match up with his vision for us.

Another command and encouragement we see repeated throughout the bible is “Do not fear”. Fear limits. It limits the attainment of our goals and limits the enjoyment of those goals, of life itself.

I believe love is the answer to psychological safety. Not the theoretical love we know but that which resides in our hearts and has trickled down into our unconscious world. The love that casts out fear, that pure love of God. When we truly know in our knower (a deep, intuitive gut sense) that we are loved, we know that we can be safe.

1 John 4:16 AMP: We have come to know [by personal observation and experience], and have believed [with deep, consistent faith] the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides continually in him.

Let’s look together at 1 Corinthian 13.

“Love is patient and kind” – when we know and experience this love which doesn’t say “This is your third strike and you’re out”, it’s easier to own up to our faults and mistakes. It’s easier to bring things to the light, which we would rather remained hidden. When we know that we have a kind God, who doesn’t tut at us and treat us with disdain because of our flaws, we are more likely to let him in on all the things he already knew about us before the beginning of the world. It’s not that God doesn’t know these things, but he wants us to trust him with them.

“Love does not demand its own way” – the love of God compels us to obey his will. He does not demand it. He gives us a choice and advises us to choose obedience and choose life.

2 Corinthians 5:14a AMP “For the love of Christ controls and compels us”

“Love keeps no record of being wronged.” Our God doesn’t say “Wow again? I thought you said sorry for this yesterday and swore blind you’d never do it again”. When we repent, he is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us of unrighteousness. He remembers our sin no more. This is not a “get-out-of-jail card”.

Romans 6:1-2 AMP “What shall we say [to all this]? Should we continue in sin and practice sin as a habit so that [God’s gift of] grace may increase and overflow? Certainly not! How can we, the very ones who died to sin, continue to live in it any longer?”

We sin and fall short constantly, but (hopefully) not because we are unmindful or uncaring about his sacrifice for us. The more we experience his love, the less we want to hurt him by our actions and inactions. The more we experience his love, the more we seek to do his commands. Having a “free pass” mentality of God’s grace is evidence that his love has not been fully formed in us.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance”. His love never gives up on us. When you know that you have a solid rock who is going nowhere, there’s safety in knowing you can keep coming back. He’s not going to lose faith. He hopes the best and believes the best about you. He endures through everything you put him through and still has his arm open wide to fetch you back to his side.

1 Corinthians 13:8b NLT But love will last forever!

Now this is obviously the love of God which we (should) all aspire to practise in our own lives. God’s love is the perfect template of love. He is love personified. Intellectual knowledge of God’s love, as majestic and marvellous as it is, does not guarantee me psychological safety. I have to experience it on a heart level.

Through his sacrificial love, Christ gave us the opportunity and privilege of belonging to his family as children of God. We have been adopted into the household of faith and we have a seat at the table. We are welcome into God’s presence to develop intimacy with him, father to child. In our father’s house, we will never be rejected or asked to leave. We can always be assured of our place and because of that, we have safety to be ourselves. We can come as we are, with our flaws and graces, knowing that he will lovingly transform us into the people he called us to be. His love accepts our present state but loves us too much to leave us as we are. He calls us to partner with him to fulfil our potential; without fear of failure, abandonment, or rejection.

Dear Lord, I thank you because the entrance of your word brings light and illuminates things that were previously hidden. Lord, there have been times I haven’t felt safe to express how I feel to myself, to others, and most importantly to you. I know that you won’t judge me, but a part of me still fears what your reaction might be to my flaws and the parts of me I don’t like. I know you love me deeply, and perfectly, and your love casts out fear. Lord, I ask that you fill me with a greater measure of your love, experientially, such that there is no space for fear to remain in me. I am very grateful that I’ve been adopted into your family, and that I belong here with you. Your love will never give up on me. Thank you, Lord. I love you, amen

Posted on by Sinmi 2

What’s love got to do with it …

Hello my lovelies 💓 💖

I hope May had been good to you and you’ve had some public holidays to rest up.

I’m doing a 3-part series on this blog over the next 3 months. It’s titled “What’s love got to do with it”. I hope you enjoy it.

Do we desire unconditional love?
Of course we do;
We were built to seek and receive love.
There is only One person who can love you unconditionally.
I hate to break it to you
But it ain’t your man or your woman,
It ain’t your mama or your pops,
It definitely ain’t your friend or your siblings.
Only God, the One who is Love personified can truly love you unconditionally!
Human beings may try to love you unconditionally,
But it is a process.

The people who love you are not being wicked by not loving you perfectly,
By being conditional in their love, consciously or unconsciously,
They most likely have good intentions.
The issue is that they are flawed;
Just like you are, just like I am
For all their good intentions, they will make mistakes.
So, when you expect standards only God can attain from people,
You can be sure you’ll be disappointed.
When that disappointment occurs repeatedly, it can lead to frustration
And with enough time that leads to anger.
Anger can express itself outwardly or inwardly and lead to separation.

1 Peter 4:8 says above all, most importantly, love each other deeply …
Above ALL
Above all the irritations
Above all the imperfections
Above all the repetitions of the same mistakes
Above all the pain they have caused you
Above all the disappointments

[A quick caveat here to say I am NOT talking about abusive relationships
Abuse is not compatible with life and I don’t just mean physical abuse
Abuse kills something in you, every time]
Above all, love each other deeply

… Because love covers a multitude of sins
Multitude is a whole lot
You can’t count it.
…. Of sins
That seventy times seven type of forgiveness
Is a requirement for this kind of love.
It is not easy,
Not by any stretch of the imagination.
It is very hard,
But we are called to love deeply,
To increase our capacity to love others.

Out of the overflow that we receive from the love that our Lord and our Father both lavish upon us,
We can love each other deeply.
Our love can increase in capacity such that it stretches to cover the multitude of sins.
To cover something, you have to acknowledge that it is there.
You can’t cover nothing.
You can’t ignore something on one hand and confront it on the other hand.
The love we are called to is not one that pretends.
You can only pretend for so long
And build resentment
Till an explosion happens.

Love confronts issues with grace and kindness
Love confronts issues, prepared to forgive, whether the person is sorry or not;
Whether the person recognises the error of their ways (as you perceive it) or not;
Whether the person has an appreciation for the hurt they caused or not;
Love confronts because the alternative is a gradual death of that love.
Issues that are not confronted become poison.
Some poisons don’t kill you immediately;
Ask people with asbestosis.
It causes damage slowly until one day you can’t breathe.

I’m not saying any of these things because I’ve mastered it. I’m also trying to live out this truth as I’m discovering it.

It is wise for us to realise on a mind-level but more importantly on a heart-level that while we can desire for people to love us, we are all on the journey of learning to love like God and often times we won’t get it right but we keep trying and growing closer to that day by day.

Lord I thank you because you model for us what love should look like. You loved us before we loved you or even acknowledged you. You desired that this love should be a mark of how people recognise us as your children, by how we love each other. Lord we do try to love each other but we don’t always get it right. We’re sorry for the times we’ve let our flaws and our pride get in the way. Please forgive us. We don’t want to keep going round in circles, making the same mistakes. Lord increase our capacity to receive your love. Let your love saturate our hearts. Out of the abundance of your love, help us to love each other deeply. Help us to forgive each other and let our love stretch enough to cover a multitude of sins and wrongdoings. Lord we desperately need your help, in your mercy will you come to our aid, in Jesus name, amen.

Posted on by Sinmi 2

Hope

Hello lovely people 😊

Hope you had a lovely Easter. As you probably know, in the Christian tradition, we’ve just celebrated Easter when we remember that Jesus died for us and God raised him to life again. The hope we have in Christ hinges on his resurrection. Last week, I was in church on Easter Sunday, and I felt God remind me to be hopeful. He said, “Never let anything prevent you from being hopeful.”

God’s message reminded me of the period late last year into early this year when I felt hopeless. I was very disappointed, and although I knew theoretically that things won’t always feel that way, that truth did not sink into my heart. For me, things felt very dark, and despair surrounded me like a fog.  The comforting words of loved ones were not getting through the thick fog of despair. At that point, I thought it was too painful to hope again, so I’d just live life not expecting anything because that felt safer; those were lies, though. Lies upon lies.

See the thing about despair and hopelessness is that it not only steals today’s joy but tomorrow’s as well. It relegates life to a mindless existence where you go through the motions. The life God designed was not meant to be that way.


2000 years ago, Good Friday was everything but good. I can imagine the disciples were terrified. Their master and rabbi has been cruified. They’ve seen him die. He was meant to be the saviour, but now there’s no hope. They could not remember all the things he had told them of his death and resurrection. All they saw was the reality that he had died a criminal’s death and their journey of 3 years had come to an abrupt end.

Thank God the story doesn’t end there! Jesus rose on the 3rd morning. Light shone in the darkness, and the darkness receeded. The miracle of Easter is an example of hope; that joy does come in the morning; that the darkness (of the tomb) is not the end of the story.

I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s hard to be hopeful when everything within you just wants to curl up and shut everything out. I don’t have a magic wand, but God’s mercy prevailed for me. People were praying for me, and God broke through to me and lifted the fog of despair. Even at my low points, I knew deep inside that the feelings of despair I felt would not have the last laugh. I knew the feelings were not true, but I was too emotionally exhausted to fight them. I chose to “ride it out”.

I have a few suggestions that can help in those moments and periods of despair and hopelessness.

  • Surround yourself with people who love you and can hold you up in prayer. Ideally tell at least one person how you feel
  • Journal if you can. No filters, just raw thoughts and emotions. Write to God
  • Don’t stop speaking to God. Be angry, be sad, be whatever, but tell him. He can take your emotions. You don’t need to filter anything for Him, he sees it all anyway
  • Read the psalms – you’ll find something there that reflects your state of mind. Derive comfort from knowing you’re not alone.
  • Listen to music that can soothe your soul

If you’re going through a rough patch, it might be hard to believe but this too shall pass.

My testimony is that I have hope now. I have faith that God’s plans for me will become a reality. I know and am reminded that whatever happens, I am the beloved of God 💕

Lord, we thank you because you are a God of mercy. We thank you for your mercies, which are new every day. Lord, we receive mercy for today. Let your love fill our hearts. Let us know in our hearts that we are your beloved and nothing will change that. Remind us, dear Holy Spirit, that the power that raised Christ from the dead can also bring life and light from every dark situation we’re experiencing. Reach through the fog of pain and despair and let us experience your embrace. Fill us with your hope for a better tomorrow. Fill us with hope that one day, joy will come in the morning. Thank you, Lord, for hearing and answering our prayers. Amen

Posted on by Sinmi 6

Keep Calm …

Happy Mother’s Day to all who play a mothering role in any capacity. As you nuture the next generation, may you be refreshed by God.

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a sermon, which challenged me. Let me paint a picture. When a baby is small, you provide their food, but as they get older, you expect them to at least know how to warm food for themselves. The preacher made a point that as we mature as Christians, God expects us to do more for ourselves as you’d expect for a growing child. So, at times, God may figuratively tell us “there’s food in the fridge”. He gave the example of David’s response to his family being kidnapped, he strengthed himself in the Lord, i.e. David had a role to play in being strengthened. That was food for thought for me.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I read Psalm 94, and verse 13 caught my eye. It helped that I was reading in the amplified version.

[13] That You may grant him [power to calm himself and find] peace in the days of adversity.

Interestingly, it is a Psalm of David. It reminded me of the concept of being able to do (some) things for ourselves. God gives us the power to calm ourselves. I think sometimes I’ve felt helpless to properly calm myself, or I have covered my discomfort with distractions, which temporarily creates an illusion of calm. I believe God can obviously calm us himself, but he has also equipped us with ways we can calm ourselves, so it’s not an either-or; I think it’s a both-and situation. We calm ourselves, and God calms us.

Looking through the bible, there are several places where the word “calm” is mentioned. Naturally, this is usually in high stress situations, such as the disciples fearing they would be buried at sea while Jesus slept soundly. Jesus spoke to the wind, and there was a great calm, a perfect peacefulness. I noticed that often where calm is mentioned, peace is often mentioned as well. They go hand in hand.

So, given the bible mentions “calm” many times, what does it tell us about how we calm ourselves? I’ll give 3 examples.

  • We accept the peace Jesus has given us. When he was returning to heaven, he left us with no illusion that our lives would be smooth sailing. Instead, he gave us his peace, which helps us maintain calm and strengthens us for each each challenge as it comes.
  • Walk daily with God. There’s a peace this brings because as you walk with God, you offload your problems onto him. You exchange your burdens for his yoke, which is light.

Colossians 3:15 AMP Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were called as members in one body [of believers]. And be thankful [to God always].

  • Do what God has instructed you. We partner with God to see things happen here on earth. On the surface, it looks as though being calm is passive, but there are things we can do as well. Do songs help you feel lighter? Listen and sing praises to God. Does working out help you feel lighter? Make time to do that. In Exodus 14, Moses tells the Israelites to remain calm; some translations say stand still. Yet the next verse shows God challenging Moses. Yes, be calm, but move forward. You can proceed with calmness because you know the God who goes with you.

In conclusion, we (I) need to be more active about engaging in and with things God has equipped me with to achieve and maintain a state of calmness. I can do this by accepting the peace God gives me; by spending time with him daily and doing practical, pragmatic things he has told me or shown me.

What are your thoughts on this? What other ways can we calm ourselves?

Lord, we thank you for your promise of peace and calm. We are humbled that you would choose to partner with us in making this a reality. Lord, for the times when we’ve been passive and maybe even consumed by self-pity, we are sorry. Forgive us. Lord, teach us how to accept your peace, not just as a one-off but consistently. We receive you as our Prince of Peace.

Lord, we know that you care deeply about our experiences and the state of our hearts, so we share these with you. We willingly tell you the things that want to keep us up at night, and we exchange them for your peace and strength.

Lord, would you open our eyes to the practical ways in which you have wired each of us to decompress, things that might seem trivial but when used well wield great power. Lord, would you remind us of instructions you’ve given us which we may have forgotten and redurect our minds and our feet to the last you’ve put us on. We receive these with thanksgiving; in Jesus’s name, we pray.

Posted on by Sinmi 0

Defense mechanisms

Hello my loves

How has February been for you?

Disclaimer – This is quite a long post, so get strapped in. Get yourself a drink or snack. Yeah, treat yourself. You might need it as you read 😆

As you guessed, I want to talk on defense mechanisms today, but probably not in the way you think. Defense mechanisms are unconscious ways in which we protect ourselves from intense emotional stressors such as fear, distress, pain, etc. The stressor might be internal or external. They essentially aim to avoid unpleasant emotions, but they’re often problematic because they leave the actual issue unaddressed and unresolved.

Defense mechanisms affect all our relationships. In my training as a psychiatrist, I’ve learnt about defense mechanisms, but I’ve never thought of them in relation to my relationship with God. A few months ago, I stumbled on an article which was talking about attachment styles (maybe I’ll talk on that someday) and how that (can) relate(s) to our relationship with God and that really got me thinking. So when out of the blues I was thinking of defense mechanisms in relation to God, I was quite excited to think about it more and see what others think. There’s not a lot out there (that I’ve found) on defense mechanisms in relation to our relationship with God, so these are my fresh thoughts. They may be refined over time 😉

Defense mechanisms can be categorised into immature, neurotic (anxiety) and mature. There’s a fourth one that’s sometimes included called pathological or narcissistic (sometimes these are grouped with immature defenses). There are many defense mechanisms, but I won’t touch on all of them. I’ll take at least one from each category to illustrate my point.

Pathological defenses
Some examples are projection, denial, and splitting.
For example, splitting means having two extremes of opinion or feeling about something. For example, based on what’s happening in my life, I might think God is either good or bad. If I feel God is bad, I naturally withdraw from Him. Truth is, He is always good even when life is not good. He remains faithful when we are faithless. His mercies never cease. They are refreshed daily, whether it feels that way or not.

Immature defenses
Some examples are acting out, passive-aggression, and fantasising.
With passive aggression, there is a silent hostility where one is generally uncooperative. For example, I feel God hasn’t answered my prayer about something, so I won’t do what He asks me to do but might pretend I don’t understand the instruction. Do not be deceived. God is not mocked. He is compassionate towards us, but we have a God from whom we can not hide. Man looks at outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.

Neurotic defenses
Some examples are displacement, intellectualisation, and reaction formation.
Intellectualisation sounds like a good one, but it’s not all it’s cracked to be. This is one I’m guilty of. Lord, help me. Essentially, it’s creating distance from unpleasant emotions by hyperfocusing on facts. Instead of taking a painful experience to God, I fill the space with facts about God’s nature (e.g., his goodness) but not in a way that helps me actually engage with that nature.

Mature defenses
Some examples are suppression, humour, and sublimation.
With humour, you express difficult feelings in a light-hearted way. For example, God is taking me through a tough time, and I joke about how he’s trying to kill me (my flesh). Brother James must have known something about this from what he said in his book (James 1:2-4) 😆 but really, joy is not the same as humour.

So, tying it all together, I’m not saying this absolutely fits, but it can be helpful for us to use this to examine or reflect on some of our responses to God. If you notice similar responses to situations with people, then … you know, maybe you should spend some time thinking about it and taking it to God in prayer.

I would be interested in knowing what you think. I know this won’t appeal to some people at all, and that’s okay. We all approach things in different ways. Be blessed as I end with a prayer.

Lord, we thank you because you’re the omniscient God. You know everything about everything, Lord, and that blows my mind. I thank you that you see the maladaptive ways in which we deal with things and relationships and how that affects our relationship with you as well. Whatever we  choose to call it, these issues are present and prevent us from healing and experiencing full freedom and intimacy with you. Lord, we ask that you expose these areas in our lives and help us bring them to you so we can be freed from them and work through them together. Strengthen us, Lord, to face these parts of ourselves that we sometimes like to ignore (denial 😉) and help us to open ourselves to your work in us. Amen.

References
Images from @thebraincoach

Posted on by Sinmi 4

Chapter X

Hello, my lovelies 💓

How’s the new year going? It feels like I blinked, and January flew by. It’s been rapid.

As you gathered, I didn’t end 2024 on a high. I was conflicted on New Years Eve, and it wasn’t a nice feeling. As the days have gone by, things have gotten better.

Although I was upset with God, myself, and just lots of emotions and questions, I love the fact that I have a God who doesn’t shy away from our emotions and pain. He sits with us in our pain, and He longs to bring healing. He brings scripture, songs, and people our way to help us.

A few days ago,  I listened to a short clip which was talking about how the church and Christians deal with the issue of pain, in particular emotional pain, be it grief, loss, whatever form it takes. There appears to be a notion that we need to rush to leave that state. This is obviously a generalisation, but I think there’s some truth to it. We struggle to comfort people in pain, as though their discomfort further serves to discomfort us, so we seek to quickly see the end of it. We use some phrases (usually stock phrases) that dress it up as noble encouragement, but it leaves me wondering where the kindness and compassion are. Thankfully for me, God had in his mercy surrounded me with people who, for the most part, have been compassionate and haven’t put pressure on me to “snap out of it.” This is an aside, but I feel the need to encourage us as Christians to be more compassionate. You don’t need to have an answer for someone’s pain. Just let them know you’re thinking of them and that you care for them.

My main point today was to share something I was thinking about a few weeks ago. I was thinking about what remains constant through life’s changes and seasons. Of course, there are quite a few things, but chief of them is love, specifically the love of God. You see, all the time I was upset, one thing I never doubted was God’s love for me. I might not have felt it, emotionally, at the time, but there was an assurance that in spite of things, God loves me. I remember God saying to me that if I’m ever unsure of everything, and nothing feels real, I can always count on his love for me.

These words aren’t platitudes to make you feel better. They’re based on God’s word to us. You might not feel able to access or acknowledge love, but that doesn’t mean it’s not present.

Guys, life is hard. To deny that would be a lie. Some days, your pain or situation would cause you to question a lot of things you took for granted, but God is our present help in time of trouble. You might not feel a spooky presence with you, but you know he can be with you through the people he places around you, who hold your hand through hard times.

One of my aunties sent me some verses to encourage me (after a long period of her listening to me), and a lot of them blew my mind. This one (below), in particular, challenged me a lot. It really made me think and analyse my heart and mind posture.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to these things, so these are MY opinions, based on my experience.

In summary, I’ll leave you with these three things and end with a prayer.
1. Life gets hard sometimes, but God’s love will never let you go
2. People might try to rush you or even gaslight you, pay them no mind!
3. Take your time and while doing that, be honest with God about how you feel. Don’t say he knows. Telll him with your words; articulate how you feel
4. An extra for those at the back LOL, please let’s be kind to one another. Be compassionate.

Lord, we know that life sometimes hurts, and things don’t seem to make sense. We feel angry, lost, or disconnected from you, but it’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our feelings. David did a good job of capturing some of those emotions we feel, and yet he always came back up, somehow. This gives us hope that joy can come in the morning. We thank you for your love that can withstand any situation or power. We thank you for your love that never ends and never fails. We thank you because even when every structure crumbles around us, we can be sure that we are held by everlasting, all-powerful arms, and we can put our faith in you. Lord send us help from Zion. Place compassionate people around us and, more importantly, teach us to be the compassionate people we’d want to help us in our life’s struggles, amen.

NB – The hyperlinks (underlined words) contains the links to the full verses I’m referring to. Please click on them 🙏

Posted on by Sinmi 0

End of a chapter

Hello guys 😊

It’s that time of year where we’re reflecting on how the year has gone. The good, the bad and the ugly.

It’s been a hot minute since I shared something personal. This year I have experienced a lot of good things. Many prayers have been answered, many fears allayed and by the same token, many hopes realised. I have truly been loaded with many benefits.

During the latter part of this year, one of my hopes were dashed. Sigh. I’ve been shocked at how much this has cast a shadow on these blessings I’ve just been talking about. It’s almost as though the bitter taste (this has left) in my mouth has erased the memory of the sweetness I enjoyed earlier. It’s so subtle. At times, I find myself thinking this year has been rubbish or my life is just … More recently, I’m catching these thoughts, recognising they’re not the full picture and trying to balance/counter them with the knowledge of the great benefits I’ve enjoyed this year.

It sucks to end the year with this bitter taste lingering on my tongue, in my mind. It’s hard to generate excitement for the year that’s round the corner. (I’m not a fan of suffering olympics, but) I know there are people going through worse things and I really hope they are surrounded by love and find strength to keep going.

To those of us whose 2024 has not panned out how we hoped or perhaps there’s a dream you had that hasn’t come to pass or even crashed and burnt, this post is for us.
This too shall pass.
Things aren’t always going to look bleak.
The pain abates after a while.

There are two songs I’d like to share which I think are beautiful and capture some of the sentiments I’ve shared. I’ll share the Spotify links and YouTube links.

Hold on to me – Lauren Daigle Spotify  YouTube

Your will – Lee Vasi Spotify YouTube

A third link I’ll share isn’t a song. It’s an exhortation, a fresh perspective on restoration by a lady called Ty Bello. It’s also on Spotify.

Rom 15:13 NIV

I’d like to end with a prayer.

Dear God, I thank you for all the beautiful things this year has brought (please list three things you’re grateful for). You have surprised me and filled my mouth with laughter. I’m grateful for all you’ve done for me and for being my father, my friend. You know that although I’m grateful there are things that have caused me pain this year too; things that I don’t understand; things that cause my hope and strength to fail. Lord I want to be hopeful but it’s so hard. I want to have the right perspective but pain blinds me at times. Lord you are the God of all hope. I ask that you fill me with your hope, your joy and your strength. As hard as it is, help me to trust you and trust in your goodness and faithfulness. My 2025 is in your hands, let it be the year that you have made, one I will rejoice and be glad in. In Jesus name I pray, amen 🙏



Posted on by Sinmi 2

Prayers I’d like to share

Hello dear people ☺️

Sorry for the abrupt, unscheduled break in transmission. If you’re not new, then you’re probably not surprised as it’s not the first time   🤭  🫠 The last few months have been full of ups and downs, mainly ups to be fair. That’s quite typical of life, isn’t it?

Anyway, this post is going to be different, and I might bring a similar version back in the future. Over the last few weeks, I’ve written some prayers based on bible verses, which I’d like to share with you. First, I’d like to share a prayer that I’ve not written. I found it on a website I’d been using as part of my devotional. It resonated very strongly with me, and when I shared it on WhatsApp, it resonated with some others as well. I hope it blesses someone.

Now, for some of the prayers I’ve written, I know they won’t be for everyone. When I wrote them, I wrote them for myself, but if someone else finds it helpful, I’ll be even happier.

Isaiah 50 prayer
Thank you Lord that I am your disciple. Thank you for teaching me. I receive your teaching. Thank you for wakening me daily and wakening my ears. My ears are open to hear you. I will not be rebellious or turn back in disobedience. I receive your strength to obey fully. I am helped by you. I receive your help and empowerment. I recognise your help. I will not be ashamed. I will not be confounded or confused. I am determined to do your will as you reveal it to me, so I set my face like a flint. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen

Psalm 95 prayer
Thank you for being my God. I am so blessed to be the sheep of your hand and to be among your pasture. As my shepherd, you lead me and instruct me on where to go. I thank you because I know your voice and I recognise it clearly as you speak. As you speak to me through this period, Lord help me to maintain a soft heart of flesh towards you. I rebuke, renounce, and refuse any trace of hardness of heart in me. I declare my heart is soft, good soil where your seed can be planted and bear good fruit. As you sweetened the waters at Meribah, please hasten to sweeten this situation also. I do not want to tempt you, grieve, or disgust you like my forebears (the israelites) did. I do not want to experience the work of your judgement. Please help me and be merciful towards me. Help me not to err in my heart, and as you search me, please expose every element of error so that I may repent, be forgiven, restored, and placed back on track. I do want to enter into your rest, and I want to experience and enjoy my promised land, the land of blessings you have prepared for me. I thank you for all these things I have received from you, my Lord, and my God. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen


Psalm 55:22
Lord, I thank you for your welcome, your call to me to come with my burdens. You ask me to release the weight of it by giving it to you. You take the weight off me, and I feel so light and free. Thank you, Jesus. You promise to sustain me so I receive your sustenance. You keep me going, Lord, not scraping by but with an abundance of grace and strength. Because I’ve been made righteous by the blood of Christ, in your kindness and faithfulness, you won’t allow me to be moved. I will not stumble, slip, fall, or fail because I am backed by the Most High who doesn’t fail. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen 🙏

Please let me know what you think of this kind of post.

Blessings
Sinmi

Posted on by Sinmi 4